




THE 


MECHANICS' FAIR; 


OR, 


OUR LODGING HOUSE. 


A FARCE— IX ONE ACT. 


Adapted and arranged expressly for the California Dra- 
matic ( 'i.n: 'i' 


T . P . J A M E S ■ 


Author of The Red Light— The Wheel of Fortune— Phantom ; 

or, the Mystery of Great Grimioood — Lafn Wa liter : or 

the 'Tyrant, the Trio and the Treasure — Golden 

Teapot; or, the Prinee, the Pirate, the Pet 

and the Policeman — Salt Water; 

or, the Little Pill that Was 

oi'erdue — dr*/?., e^v. 


1 i i WHICH ARE ADDED 


The Cast ok THE Chak.utkks, Dksckii'Tiox of Costi/SiEs, Plan ok 


Stalk with Directions, List of Properties, etc. 


— 


1 ' '" '. ' 

SAN FRANCISCO: 


J. P. TRACY AND COMPANY, 


518 CFAY STREET, (Up Stairs.) 


1S7S. 



THE 



MECHANICS' FAIR; 



OR 



OUR LODGING HOUSE. 



A FARCE— IN ONE ACT. 

Adapted and arranged expressly for the CALIFORNIA DRA- 
MATIC Club by 

T . P . JAMES, 

Author of The Red Light — Tht Wheel of Fortune — Phantom, 

or the ATysteiy of Great Grinvwood- — Lafin Wahter, or 

the Tyrant, the Trio and the Treasure — Golden 

Teapot, or the Prince, the Pirate, the Pet 

and the Policeman — Salt Water, 

or the Little Bill that tuas 

overdue — &>c., 6°f. 



to which are added 
The Cast of Characters, Description of Cos 
Stage with Directions, List of Prop 




SAN FRANCISCO : 
P. TRACY AND COMPANY, 
518 CLAY STREET, (Up Stairs.) 
1878. 



7$ tar 



Copyright, 1878, 
BY J. P. TRACY AND COMPANY. 



Stereotyped by 
Painter & Co., 510 Clay St., S. F. 



EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. 

THE MECHANICS' FAIR. 
The author of this farsical extravaganza has seized upon the 
clever idea of converting the Mechanics' Fair into a mammoth 
exhibition drawing such vast numbers of curious strangers to 
our city that the hotels and boarding houses are overcrowded 
and private dwellings are turned into caravansaries, where 
accommodations are at a premium, and even the most insig- 
nificant apology of a bed commands a fabulous price. Many 
will, no doubt, condemn the piece as being highly improbable 
in plot and detail — an absurdity outside the bounds of reason. 
Well, we admit that there is little likelihood that the state of 
affairs which forms the groundwork of the farce will ever be 
realized ; but then, shall the author's object be called into 
question because his imagination has created the artistic effort 
which is before us, redolent as it is with broad humor and 
stirring situations ? Observe the flurried and excited condition 
of Mr. Tweedleton, when, having returned to the bosom of 
his family, after an absence perhaps of months, with the ex- 
pectation of quiet and repose, he finds his dwelling turned into 
a lodging house, crowded from cellar to attic, and himself 
forced to turn waiter and deny himself the pleasure of satisfy- 
ing the cravings of an appetite sharpened by travel. Can one 
appreciate the situation without a visible relaxation of the 
muscles of the face? Then again, when the poor fellow ap- 
propriates one of the lodgers' supper, and another's bed (i. e. 
an easy chair), and is pursued about the apartment by the en- 

(3) 



IV EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. 

raged Grout, and the apparently blood-thirsty Smash, how 
ludicrous are his efforts to escape — how horror and fright 
combine to plunge the unfortunate commercial traveller into 
the depth of despair, until the opportune arrival of Sally forms 
a tableau that must be seen to be appreciated. Finally, can we 
praise too little the ingenuity with which he succeeds in get- 
ting his troublesome lodgers from the house, after having had 
his best china smashed by lively acrobats, and his wife's 
pet poodle sacrificed to the insatiate stomachs of a delegation 
of aristocratic Chinamen from Pekin. The reader can hard- 
ly be expected to appreciate the farce as much as those 
who have witnessed the representation; but should he, after a 
fair and critical perusal, find some little morsel of merit and 
amusement, we shall feel that the work has not been issued in 
vain, and that the author's aim has been realized. 

The farce was presented at a regular performance of the 
California Dramatic Club, on Friday evening, July 29th, 
1876, and received an enthusiastic reception. Mr. Tracy, 
whose "Taraxicum Twitters" in My Turn Next, was such a 
marked success at a previous entertainment, and displayed his 
ability for this line of comedy, made a clever "Timothy 
Tweedleton" out of a very difficult part. Mr. Smith, another 
favorite low comedian, made a particular hit as "Bob 
Smash" — his dialect being an especial feature. Mr. Crane, 
as the "Elderly Ruffian in gaiters," and Mr. Gates as the 
"Cockney Englishman," were above the usual average. But 
Miss Hopkins' (Mrs. W. S. Talbott) "Mrs. Tweedleton," 
was by far the most artistic effort of the evening, and the lady 
retired at the fall of the curtain loaded with laurels and boquets. 
Miss Wilson's "Sally" had all the sprightliness and vivacity 
which usually characterizes that charming young lady's roles. 
Taken as a whole the company displayed an ability far above 
the usual style of amateur performers. 

tS- A. R. B. 



CAST OF THE CHARACTERS, 

As originally performed by the California Dramatic Club, on the evening 
of Friday, July 29th, 1876. 

Mr. Timothy Tweedleton — a victim of 

circumstances Mr. J. P. Tracy. 

Bob Smash — a Yankee from the mines . . Mr. G. W. Smith. 

Mr. Stingo Grout — an irrascible elderly 

gent Mr. G. S. Crane. 

Felix Foxglove — an exquisite Mr. C. E. Gates. 

Mr. Godfrey Guzdeton — a matter-of-fact 

lodger Mr. M. Merrick. 

Mrs. Tabitha Tweedleton — who lets fur- 
nished rooms during Fair time Miss Susan Hopkins. 

Sally — a domestic Miss Jennie Wilson. 



COSTUMES. 

TWEEDLETON.— Light striped pants, gray coat and 
vest, overcoat, huge comforter and partly bald wig. 

SMASH. — Soiled brown coat, red shirt, pants in pair of 
old boots, broad leather belt, old black hat drawn over eyes 
and sandy wig. 

GROUT.— Black broad-cloth suit, black neck-tie and 
choker, short gray side whiskers and gray wig. 

FOXGLOVE.— An English swell. Suit of the Cockney 
fashion and blonde wig. 

GUZZLETON.— Plain suit. 

MRS. TWEEDLETON.— Plain, neat and spruce. 

SALLY. — Calico dress, apron and neat cap. 



PROPERTIES. 

Duster for Sally — coat, comforter, carpet-bag and bundles 
for Tweedleton — boot with spur — tray, two tumblers, jug, 
plate of sandwiches and boot-jack for Mrs. Tweedleton — nap- 
kin — tray and covered dish for Sally — pistol for Smash— brick 
to throw in window — table cover — rug — cigar and bell to ring 
for Smash— crash of china — glass of water for Smash— large 
bell for Mrs. Tweedleton and cow bell for Tweedleton — 
carpet-bag for Foxglove and a miscellaneous assortment of 
articles for lodgers — small gong and bells for prompter and 
assistants. / c \ 



DIAGRAM 

AND 

EXPLANATION OF STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

* # * The Reader is supposed to face the Audience. 



Passage. 

I I 



D. F. 



Window. 



Scene. 



D. L.\U. E. 



D.R./S. E. 



D. L.\S. E. 



R. I E. 



R. C. 



C. 



L. C. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

L. m cans Left; R. Right; C. Centre; L. C. Left of Centre; 
R. C. Eight of Centre ; L. I E. Z*/? ZYrtf Entrance; R. I 
E. A'/i,'/// .fifcrf Entrance; I). L. S. E. ZW Left Second 
Entrance; D. R. S. E. Door Eight .Second Entrance ; D. L. 
U. E. Door Left Upper Entrance ; D. F. Door in Etat. 

Time of representation — 35 minutes. 



(6) 



THE MECHANICS' FAIR. 



SCENE. — Sitting Room in Tweedleton's house. Door, 
R. C, passage beyond, and street door at back — window (in 
flat)~L. c. — table, c, with large easy chair beside it— furni- 
ture plain fait neat — stage enclosed on each side, with doors 
R. S. E., L. s. E. and R. U. E. 

At the rising of the curtain a bell rings off R. , and directly 
afterward another, L. — S ALLY discovered dusting the furni- 
ture. 

Sally. Coming ! Drat the Fair, I say, and the visitors too ! 
{yawning.) Dear me, here it is ten o'clock, and I've been 
running about the whole blessed day. Missus makes 'cm 
pay dear enough for their beds ; they might make use of 'em 
instead of sitting up till — {bell, L. ) Coming ! That's Sae gent 
in the back attic, {bell, R. ) Coming — coming ! What a mar- 
tyr to domestic economy my poor legs are ! Why, there's not 
a hole or corner in the house that isn't let, and only one girl 
to do the work. I can't stand it much longer, {knocking at 
street door.) Go on, that's right. There's the street door 
now — well, they won't catch me answering that at any rate; 
we've got enough people in the house alreadv without — 

(7) 



8 THE MECHANICS' FAIR. 

{knocking repeated — louder. ) Will you be quiet ? {bells ring R. 
and L. — small gong in the distance.) Now which am I to go 
to ? Well, the street door is the nearest — here goes. 

[Opens door in flat and then street door. 

Enter Mr. Timothy Tweedleton, d. f., muffled in a 
great coat and comforter, carrying a carpet-bag and numer- 
ous bundles. 

Sally. Oh, master, is it you ? I'm so glad to see you home 
again. I thought you were never — {bell, R.) Coming ! 

[ Very loud. 

Tweedleton. Don't, Sally ; don't raise your voice in that 
absurd fashion. Here, take these bundles. 

[Drops carpet-bag near fable. 

Sally. Yes, sir. [Takes them, going L. 

Tweed. Sally ! 

Sally. Yes, sir. 

Tweed. Here, help me off with my coat. 

Sally puts bundles on table and takes off his coat, comforter 
and hat. 

Mrs. Tweedleton. { Outside, L. ) Sally ! 

Sally. Yes, mum. 

Grout. {Outside, R. i E.) Chambermaid! 

Sally. Yes, sir. {bell, L. s. E. ) Coming ! 

[Exit R. zuith coat, bundles, etc. 

Tweed. Why what is all this bustle about ? Oh, the lodgers, 
I suppose. To think of Mrs. Tweedleton turning the house 
into a lodging house for visitors to the Mechanics' Fair — giv- 
ing up the millinery business on Market street, that brought 
her in a goodly income every year. But as she says, no one 
thinks of trade in Fair time. How I long to see her. It's so 
nice to get home again after the weary pilgrimage of a travel- 
ing agent, in the dry goods line, and after a long night's 



THE MECHANICS FAIR. 9 

journey on the Central Pacific Railroad, to settle calmly down 
and enjoy the sweets of home with all its quiet — {bells R. and 
l. ring very loud.) Hello! well, we'll leave out the quiet, but 
to sit contentedly down — [Sits in easy chair, L. of table, but 
jumps up directly and takes a boot with a spur from the chair. ) 
Oh, hang it, we'll leave out the sitting down, too. But listen 
to the gentle voice we love — 

Mrs. Tweed. ( Outside L. ) Sally, you idle, good-for-nothing — 

lEnier Mrs. Tabitha Tweedleton, r. I e., carryinga tray 
with two tionblers, a jug of hot water, a plate of sandwiches 
and a bootjack 

Tweed. Tabitha ! 

Mrs. T My Timothy! 

Tweed. My angel ! [About to embrace her. 

Airs. T (Passing around to R.) There, I can't stop now. 

Tweed. Not for one word of pure affection ? 

Mrs. T. No time for pure affection in Fair time. 

Tweed. Not for one embrace to welcome me from my 
weary pilgrimage ? 

Mrs. T. Well, after I've taken clean tumblers and hot 
water to the gentleman in the coal cellar — 

Tweed. What ! a gentleman in the coal cellar? 

Mrs. T. Certainly ; even that is at a premium during Fail 
time. 

Tweed. Then when you return — 

Mrs. T. The Senator from Mud Springs in the piano case 
wants a chop. 

Tweed. Is it possible — 

Mrs. T. There Timothy, don't stare in that absurd manner. 

Tweed. But after that — 

Mrs. T. The railroad directors in the little back parlor— 

Tweed. Goodness, what a catalogue ! But after that ? 

Mrs. T. We'll see. 



IO THE MECHANICS FAIR. 

Enter Sally, r. h. 

Sally. If you please, missus, the gent with the long beard, 
him as is going to sleep under the kitchen table, says have 
you such a thing as a corkscrew you could lend him ? 

Mrs. T. Let him wait. Who's he? I might have had 
three times as much for that table as his paltry twenty 
dollars. Sally, hold this plate. [Gives it. 

Tweed. {Amazed.) Twenty dollars for the privilege of sleep- 
ing under the kitchen table ? 

Sally. Yes, sir ; everything's uncommonly dear now. 
Tweed. (7b Mrs. Tweedleton.) But my dear — 
Mrs. T. Timothy, mind your own business, if you please. 
Tweed. But my sweetest — 

Mrs. T. May I request, sir, that you will not interfere ? 
Tweed. My love, really, I only — 
Mrs. T. Don't be a brute, sir ! 
Tweed. A brute ! I a brute ? I who never — 
Mrs. T. Will you— 
Tweed. But my duck — 

Mrs. T. Don't duck me, sir. {bell, R.) Sally— Sally ! Is 
the girl deaf? 

Sally. ( Who has been quietly eating the sandwiches in the R. 
corner. ) No, mum ; I was thinking. 
Mrs. T. What! 

Sally. Nothing, mum. {bell, R. ) Coming ! [Exit, R. I e. 

Tweed. Now my angel — [Bell, L. s. e. 

Mrs. T. There, sir, do you hear that ? Did you ever see 

angels running to Congressmen with bootjacks. {Bell, L. again 

— louder.) Good gracious, I'm coming! [Exit, D. l. s. e. 

Tweed. It strikes me rather forcibly that the Mechanics 

Industrial Fair has not improved Mrs. Tweedleton's usually 

sweet temper. Well, I'll get out of the way. I'm very 

sleepy, {yawning.) so I'll go to bed. 

[Going towards L. I E. 



THE MECHANICS' FAIR. 1 1 

Re-enter Mrs. Tweedleton, d. l. s. e. 

Mrs. TV Pray may I inquire where you are going, Mr. 
Tweedleton ? 

Tweed. Going, my love, to bed. 

Mrs. T. {Horrified.) To what, sir? 

Tweed. Lor ! only to think — how stupid of me — I quite 
forgot it, but now that you mention it, I should like a bit of 
supper after my journey. What have you got in the house, 
my dear ? 

Mrs. T. Supper, sir? 

Tweed. Just a bite — cold chicken, a chop or anything — I 
don't care. 

Mrs. T. That I should live to see this day — a man I thought 
I could place implicit confidence in, asking for supper in Fair 
time. 

Tweed. But really — 

Mrs. T. Oh, Mr. Tweedleton, will you be quiet ? 

Tweed. Well, it doesn't signify about supper. I'll be off to 
bed. [Gt/ing i~ 

Mrs. T. And may I ask, Mr. Tweedleton, where do you 
intend to sleep ? 

Tweed. I presume in the mahogany four post of my happier 
days. You shake your head. Well, then, in the humble bed- 
stead of the attic of my bachelorhood. 

Mrs. T. You are really the most provoking man in the 
world — didn't I write you word that I've let our best bed- 
room to five ladies of quality from San Jose, and fitted up a 
chest of drawers for the babies ? 

7 weed. But the bed of my bachelorhood— 

Mrs. T. Contains at this moment the distinguished foreign 
correspondent of the New York Herald ; a delegation of 
Chinese Ambassadors on their way to the Centennial ;* and an 

* Paris Exposition may be inserted. 



12 THE MECHANICS' FAIR. 

antiquated count from Brazil. 

Tweed. Then where am I to sleep ? 

Mrs. T. Where ? Anywhere or nowhere. Nobody sleeps 
in Fair time but the visitors. 

Tweed. I feel that I shall shortly be driven to profanity. 

Mrs. T. Here, I'm wasting my time while that poor Ger- 
man prince {crossing to R.) wants a quart of lager beer. Timo- 
thy, if you were a man you'd help your poor wife to wait on 
the lodgers instead of standing there like a post. 

Tweed. The German prince — yes — yes — but where is the 
German prince ? In our best suit, I suppose. 

Mrs. T. Nothing of the kind, Mr. Tweedleton, the Ger- 
man prince is contentedly situated in the dog house. 

Tweed. What ! a German prince in our dog house ? 

Mrs. T. Yes, and let me tell you, sir, if you want to get up 
in the world — [bell, l. ) there's the attic. [Exit, l. 

Tweed. Yes, I'll help ! There's no help for it — no bed — 
no supper — no comfort. Wait on my lodgers — make money — 
that's the plan, {takes napkin from table.) Here, what's to be 
done ? Who wants to be waited on ? Now then, here I am — 
give your orders, gents, the waiter is in the room, {bell, R. ) 
Coming ! {bell, l.) Hello ! which am I to go to? 

Grout. {Outside, r.) Chambermaid — waiter! 

Tweed. {Crossing to r. ) Coming, sir. 

Foxglove. { Outside, l. ) Wait-aw — waitaw ! 

Tweed. {Crossing to L. ) Yes, sir. 

Grout. { Without. ) Fire and fury ! Waiter ! 

Tweed. Coming ! 

Running off ~L. h. against Sally, who enters with tray, etc. 

Tweed. Here, what have you got there, Sally ? 
Sally. Supper for one of the gents in the hall closet, sir. 
Tweed. {Removes cover.) Ha ! one steak, one taters and a 
trifle for the waiter. [Kisses her. 



THE MECHANICS' FAIR. 1 3 

Sally. Oh, sir ! 

Tweed. Here give me the tray, [places it on table.) How 
nice it smells — how I wish I was one of my own lodgers. Oh, 
Sally, if you could only get me a bit of supper. 

Sally. Couldn't, sir ; missus has got it all locked up. 

Tweed. A crust of bread and cheese. 

Sally. Not to be had — never sees none now. 

Tweed. And you — what do you live on ? 

Sally. Nothing particular, sir — anything I can find. 

Tweed. Good gracious ! and this is my house ! and where 
do you sleep ? 

Sally. Missus says servants mustn't sleep during Fair time. 

Tweed. Oh, this must be altered. 

Sally. Yes, sir. 

Tweed. The lodgers get supper — the lodgers get beds — 
lodgers get everything. Damme ! I'll be a lodger — I'll not 
be treated as one of the family any longer. Sally, you shall 
be a lodger — come, sit down and have some supper. 

Sally. But the gent in the hall closet, sir ? 

Tweed. Hang the gent in the hall closet ! 

Sally. But missus — 

Tweed. Hang missus ! hang everything ! I will be master — 
I will have supper — I will have a bed ! Sally, go and turn 
those five ladies of quality out of my room — tell them to take 
their babies out of the drawers. Stop — send your mistress here. 

Sally. Yes, sir. (aside.) Won't there be a row. [Exit, L. 

Tweed. No, I won't put up with it — rather welcome poverty 
and commercial travelling — pecuniary difficulties and dress- 
making, (sits in easy chair by table. ) No supper ! thus do I 
refute the fallacy. [Eats. 

Enter Bob Smash from street door. He has a red shirt on 

under a faded brown coat, his pants tucked into his boots and 

his general appearance indicative of a rough and devil-me- 

care existence. 



14 THE MECHANICS' FAIR. 

Smash. Wal, I'll be darned, this is a mighty big town — 
an all-fired sight bigger'n Gopher Flat, whar I come from. I 
wonder what the folks see in me to stare so — p'raps I mayn't 
be so slick as some of 'em, but darn their picter, I reckon I'm 
every bit as good as 'em, if I haint — (at back of table. ) I say 
stranger, you're sitting on my bed. 

Tweed. I'm doing nothing of the kind. The article of 
household furniture upon which I am sitting is a chair — em- 
phatically a chair, sir. 

Smash. I don't like to disoblige anybody, least of all my- 
self, so I reckon you'd better make tracks. I've engaged that 
'ere location for the night, and I don't allow any one to jump 
my claim, so the sooner you move to other diggings the better. 

Tweed. I'll do nothing of the kind, sir. 

Smash. I kalculate this 'ere pursuader [producing pistol.) 
will convince you to the contrary. 

Tweed. Hey ! put that away ! Murder ! Thieves \ 

Grout. ( Without r. ) Chambermaid ! 

Tweed. Oh, lor ! here's another — he's coming this way, 
too. I'm not at home. 

Enter Stingo Grout, r. i e. 

Grout. Where is my supper ? Hullo ! you rascal ? (seizes 
Tweedleton. ) you scoundrel ! what do you mean by eating 
my supper, sir, when I pay for it ? 

Smash. (Also seizing him.) What do you mean by jumping 
my claim ? 

Tweed. Murder ! (struggling: ) Gentlemen, if you please, it 
is all a mistake. 

Grotit. (Shaking him. ) You villain ! 

Smash. (Pulling him over.) You squatter ! 

Tweed. Help ! 

He breaks away from them and rushes around the room — they 
follow. He upsets the easy chair. Smash stops to right it 



THE MECHANICS' FAIR. 1 5 

and Grout runs into him — both sprawling. Tweedleton 
rushes against Felix Foxglove "who enters, l. s. e., and 
floores him. Tweedleton then throws open window in flat 
and yells " Police!" — a brick is thrown in — he bobs his head 
and it falls on the stage — he shuts window, rushes towards 
D. F., and against Godfpey GUZZLETON, who enters and 
pushes him aside. 

Guzzle. How now, sirrah ! Get out of my way ! 

[Exit GUZZLETON, D. R. S. E. 
Tweed. [Punning around and taking tip a chair. ] Thieves! 
Murderers ! Assassins ! Help ! 

[All rush at him — he holds up chair. 

Enter Sally, l. i e. 

Oh, Sally, protect your lord and master ! [Sally takes up a 
chair — they stand back to back and turn as each speak. 

Grout. What do you mean by eating my supper ? 

Smash. Stand aside young woman. 

Sally. Hit one of your size. 

Tweed. Yes, hit one of your size. 

Foxglove. What do you mean — aw — by upsetting my equi- 
librium ? 

Smash. [Threatening.} Let me at him. 

Tweed. Don't, Sally ; don't let him. 

Grout. I demand satisfaction ! 

Tweed. You shall have it. 

Foxglove. So — aw — do I. 

Tweed. You both shall have it — to-morrow — next year — 
any time. I'm a martyr to the lodging house system. 

Enter Mrs. Tweedleton, l. i e. 

Mrs. T. Now then may I ask the meaning of all this dis- 
turbance ? 



1 6 THE MECHANICS' FAIR. 

Tweed. Mrs. Tweedleton I request that you will instantly 
order these people out of my house. 

Mrs. T. Your house, sir? 

Sally. Oh, mum, they'll be the death of master. 

Mrs. T. And serve him right, too — what trick is he up to 
now ? 

Smash. Madam, I kalculate you'll let me know whether or 
not I've paid for that chair for the night ? 

Mrs. T. Certainly. 

Grout. [Advancing to table.] Have I not paid for that beef- 
stake ? 

Mrs. T. Decidedly. 

Foxglove. And have I not paid for the privilege — aw — of 
walking into this room ? 

Mrs. T. You have. 

Tweed. And pray, madam, have not I paid something, too ? 
Don't I pay the rent of the whole house ? 

Mrs. T. And if you do, what of it ? Oh, Mr. Tweedleton, 
have you dared to interfere with the comfort of my lodgers ? 

Tweed. Confound it, madam, your lodgers have interfered 
with my comforts. I won't have lodgers — I give them all 
notice. Sally, run for a policeman ! 

Sally. {Going.) Yes, sir. 

Mrs. T. Sally, stay where you are ! 

Sally. Yes, mum. 

Mrs. T. And now gentlemen, if you will leave it to me I 
will make it all right, {to Foxglove.) My husband, sir, 
shall apologize to you. 

Foxglove. All right — aw — it will be a sufficient wepawation. 

[Exit into room L. s. E. 

Tweed. I say — hang it — I won't apologize ! 

Mrs. T. Be quiet, Mr. Tweedleton. {to Smash.) You, sir, 
will be kind enough to step into the next room while I ar- 
range your couch. 



THE MECHANICS' FAIR. I 7 

Smash. I reckon that's about the ticket. [Exit, r. 

Mrs. T. And for you, {to Grout) I will see another sup- 
per cooked at once. 

Grout. Thank you, madam. [Exit, R. 1 E. 

Mrs. T. (Bell, l. ) Sally, answer the bell. 

Sally. Yes, mum. [Exit, L. 1 K. 

Mrs. T. And now, Mr. Tweedleton, what can you say for 
yourself — you good-for-nothing — oh-oh-oh ! 

[Bursts out crying. 

Tweed. Don't cry — I can't bear to see you cry ; now don't, 
that's a dear. 

Mrs. T. Oh, how could you, after all I've done for you I 
Oh, Timothy, I didn't think you could — 

Tweed. I couldn't. 

Mrs. T. You've been so cruel ! 

Tweed. I have. 

Mrs. T. Acting like a brute ! 

Tweed. A perfect hippopotamus. 

Mrs. T. And I, who have been so kind ! 

Tweed. An angel. 

Mrs. T. And slaved as I have ! 

Tweed. A veiy nigger, in fact. 

Mrs. T. To make such lots of money for you ! 

Tweed. Consolidated Virginia is nothing to you. 

Mrs. T. And to insult my lodgers ! 

Tweed. I beg their pardon. 

Mrs. T. To have ill feelings towards them ! 

T-iveed. No, I love them — I perfectly dote on them — the 
one with the red shirt especially. 

Mrs. T You won't do it again, Timothy, will you ? You 
won't mind a little inconvenience — think of the money we 
shall make — and it's only for a few weeks. 

7 weed. A few weeks, without eating or sleeping? 

Mrs. T. No, don't say that — you shall have a bed. Sally 1 
M F. 2 



1 8 THE MECHANICS' FAIR. 

{calling.) I'll make you as comfortable as if you were one of 
my lodgers. Sally, another bed to make, up ! 

Enter Sally, l. i e. 

Sally. Oh, lor, mum, where ? The house is already as full 
of beds as a flower garden. 

Mrs. T. Here, come along. {Puts a rug dozun, C. 

Sally. Who for, mum ? 

Mrs. T. For master, to be sure. 

Sally. Master ! Oh, my this will do for a pillow. 

[Picks up carpet bag. 

Tweed. That a pillow ! Then I suppose this is to be my 
bed ? [Pointing to rug. 

Mrs. T. And a very comfortable one for Fair time, too. 
Now just lie down and see how cosy I'll make you. 

Tzveed. It can't be helped, so here goes. [Lies dozvn. 

Mrs. T. There, isn't that nice ? 

[Places table cover over him. 

Tweed. Precious hard, though. Oh, for my own four- 
poster ! 

Mrs. T. You shall have it. Sally, help me with that 
table. [ They place table over him. 

Sally. There you are, sir ; there's your four-poster. 

Mrs. T. There, good night — go to sleep like a good boy ; 
and now I think we are ' pretty full, {bell, r. ) There's the 
first floor. [Exeunt Mrs. Tweedleton and Sally, r. 

Tweed. Upon my life this is pleasant — a bed as soft as a 
brickbat. The song says " There's no place like home," and 
for the sake of human nature in general I sincerely hope there 
is not — however, it's only for Fair time, and I dare say after 
my fatigue I shall sleep soundly, {yawning.) Dear me, I'm 
very tired — at any rate I suppose I shall not be disturbed 
again. {Banjo and accordian accompanied by male and female 
voices heard outside windozv. ) Hey ! what's that ? {Music dies 



THE MECHANICS' FAIR. 1 9 

away up the street.) Nigger minstrels, ugh ! [Lies down. 

Re-enter Bob Smash, l. i e. 

Smash. What a tarnation tall walk I've had to-day over 
that Mechanics' Fair. I kalculate that 'ere is a fine institu- 
tion — critters like me don't see sich all-fired fine sights every 
day — no sir-e-e, bob ! {Moves his chair to table, sits and pats his 
feet on it, and pulls out a large bowie-knife with which he picks 
his teeth. ) I reckon I'd like to play a game of keerds with some- 
body, just to pass the time away — It's kinder lonesome doing 
nothing, {sticks knife in top of table and rises.) I'll take a 
squint about the diggin's. [Knocks at D. R. s. e. 

Guzzleton. {Popping his head out.) What do you want, sir? 

Smash. I say, stranger, would you like to take a hand at 
Pedro, Casino or Seven Up ? 

Guzzle. {In a rage.) Certainly not, sir! [Slams door. 

Tweed. Eh ! I thought I heard a door slam. I must have 
been dreaming. [Lies dozou. 

Smash. That's a crusty old bear, {crosses and knocks at the 
opposi'e door. Foxglove with night-cap on opens door, but 
seeing Smash he closes it again quickly. ) Stranger — 

Foxglove, {Inside. ) Go away good mistaw 'ousebreakaw. 

Smash. Would you like to play a game of Euchre ? {no 
answer. ) I say, stranger ! {no answer. ) I reckon he's deaf. 
I'll try the chap in the hall. [Crosses and exits R. I E. 

Tweed. I thought I heard somebody walking about, {looks 
around. ) No — I wonder where Mrs. Tweedleton is ? {loud 
knock without R. ) Eh ! What's that ! 

Grout. {Outside.) Hallo! what do you want ? 

Smash. {Outside.) I say, have you any objection to a game 
of keerds? 

Grout. How dare you, sir, wake me up to ask such a 
question ? 

Smash. But strangrer — 



20 THE MECHANICS FAIR. 

Grout. Go to the devil, sir ! [Door heard to slam. 

Re-enter Smash, r. 

Smash. I reckon it's no go. 

[Sits in chair and places his feet on Tweedleton. 

Tweed. Hullo ! 

Smash. Wal, what's the matter ? 

Tweed. You haven't paid for this bed, too, have you ? 

Smash. There, then, {places his feet on chair.) Will that 
do? 

Tweed. Good night, sir. [Pause. 

Smash. I say, stranger ! 

Tweed. Don't bother me — go to sleep, do 

Smash. What's your candid opinion of the Fair ? 

Tweed. Don't like it — good night ! 

Smash. You'll excuse me, stranger, but I should like to 
discuss that 'ere topic with you. 

Tweed.. Will you be quiet, sir? 

Smash. Don't you think it's kalculated to improve the re- 
sources of this 'ere State? I repeat, stranger: don't you 
think this intercourse of folks in general will improve the 
society of this 'ere town ? 

Tweed. Certainly not, if one stranger won't let another 
stranger go to sleep — how can it ? Good night, sir 

Smash. But don't you. consider — 

Tweed. [Savagely. ,] No ! 

Smash. That the fact is — 

Tweed. Not a bit of it — good night ! 

Smash. Wal, I'll be goldarned ! Of all the uncommuni- 
cative critters I ever did see, that's one. {lights his pipe from 
gas burner over head.) Whar I come from folks are a little 
bit more neighborly. Here, I say — (Tweedleton snores.) 
Very well. 

[Smokes violently, blowing the smoke under the table. 



THE MECHANICS FAIR. 21 

Tweed. (Coughing.) Hullo! no smoking allowed in my 
bedroom ! 

Smash. I should like to discuss that subject with you like- 
wise. 

Tweed. Hang your discussions ! Faugh, what a smoke ! 
I that can't bear to be in the same street with tobacco smoke ! 
Will you put out your pipe, sir ? 

Smash. Certainly not. 

Tweed. Then I shall be obliged to put you out. 

Smash. Eh ! [Points pistol around the leg of table. 

Tweed. (In terror.) No, I don't mean that. Your smoke's 
bad enough, but don't fire, (rolls himself up in table cover.) 
Oh, I shall be so ill! (pause— Smasu rings bell.) Hullo ! 
what do you want now ? 

Smash. A dipper of water. 

Tweed. You can't get it — go to sleep. 

Smash. But I kalculate I must have it. 

Tweed. Then go and fetch it. 

Smash. Point out the way. 

Tweed. I shant. (aside.) Eh, stop — a good idea, (gets up.) 
I will show the way — I shall get rid of him. (aloud. ) Here, 
come along, (they go up — Tweedleton opens door 1.. u. E.) 
Straight before you. [Points off. 

Smash. Yes. 

Tweed. Down the stairs. 

Smash. Down the stairs. 

Tweed. Turn to the right. 

Smash. Turn to the right. 

Tweed. Then to the left. 

Smash. Then to the left. 

Tweed. Along the hall. 

Smash. Along the hall. 

Tweed. Till you come to the kitchen — you'll see the faucet 
before you. [Exit Smash. 



2 2 THE MECHANICS' FAIR. 

Tweedleton shuts and locks the door. 

Tweed. Huzza ! there's one foe disposed of, and he and the 
dog will be company for one another. Oh, if I could get all 
my lodgers to go for water. [About to lie down again. 

Enter Mrs. Tweedleton, hurriedly, r. i e. 

Mrs. T. Oh, Timothy — Timothy, I'm ruined — swindled— 
robbed ! 

Tweed. {Alarmed.) What ! 

Mrs. T. The delegation from New York who occupy our 
dining-room — 

7 weed. What have the miscreants been guilty of? 

Mrs. T. Run up a bill of two hundred and fifty dollars and 
twenty-five cents. 

Tweed. And cut ? 

Mrs. T. No — but they insist in paying me with slips of 
green-tinted paper. 

Tweed. What ! inflation currency ? 

Mrs. T They will have it that such is the current coin of 
New York, and they have no other. 

Tweed. {Aside.) Twelve per cent, discount. Well, I'm 
glad of it — 'twill teach Mrs. T. a lesson, {aloud.) Take it 
and send them back to New York. 

Mrs. T. But that's not all — my best drawing-room — that 
vile young German philosopher, if he hasn't made it smell of 
smoke so it won't be sweet this twelvemonth. And oh, 
Timothy, this room — my own work-room — you have not been 
smoking ? 

Tweed. Now did you ever see me smoke ? No, it was that 
d — d — well, I won't swear ; 'twas that Yankee miner. 

Mrs. T. Oh, why did I take to letting lodgings ? 

Tweed. Why, indeed ! 

Mrs. T. We had a comfortable home. 

Tweed. A domestic Garden of Eden. 



THE MECHANICS' FAIR. 23 

Mrs. T. Oh, if we could once more — {a load crash of china, 
R.) Oh! [Screams. 

Tweed. What's that ? 

Mrs. T. Oh, I knew it — my poor aunt's best china set. 
{calling. ) Sally, what was that ? 

Sally. {Outside, R. ) Please mum, it's the young acrobat:, 
you put in with the railroad directors in the back parlor; they 
will throw somersets among the tea things. 

Tweed. It's no use, our lodgers are rapidly breaking up our 
establishment. 

Enter Sally, r. 

Sally. Oh, if you please mum, oh ! — 

Tiveed. What new horror ? Speak, maiden ! 

Sally. Poor little Fido— 

Mrs. T. My pet ! — my own sweet poodle ! What ? 

Sally. Oh, mum, the Chinese ambassadors — 

Tweed. Well— 

Sally. They've caught her. 

Tweed. What? 

Sally. And please, mum, they've skinned her. 

Mrs. T. Oh ! [Screams. 

Tweed. Horror ! 

Sally. And when I went in they were stuffing her with 
birds' nests for to-morrow's dinner. 

Mrs. T. Oh, Timothy — Timothy, my poor, dear, little 
Fido ! Shall we submit to this ? 

Tzveed. Never ! 

Mrs. T. But what shall we do — and how shall we do it ? 

Tweed. Turn them out. 

Mrs. T. But they won't go — you've tried that before. 

Tweed. Then call in the police. 

Sally. If you please, sir, it's very hard to find them. 

Mrs. T. Oh, that I was once more a happy dressmaker ! 



24 THE MECHANICS' FAIR. 

Tweed. And I, a contented commercial traveller ! 

Sally. And I, oh, I wish I was in bed. 

Tweed. Stop — I have it. Will you be guided by me? 

Mrs. T. and Sally, will you swear allegiance to your lawful 

sovereign ? 

Mrs. T. ) „, . 

c . ,, \ We swear ! 

Sally. ) 

Tweed. And will you promise to aid me in banishing the 

foe? 

fjiy T - \ We will I 

Tweed. Then listen. You, Sally, run down into the 
kitchen, pile up all the old rags, old clothes, kitchen stuff; 
anything you can find, on the tire ; make as much smoke as 
possible— you, Tabitha, dear, cry that the house is in flames 
— I'll throw all the doors wide open, and then trust to fate 
for the result. Now run, and look sharp ! {unlocks door L. 
u. e., exeunt Mrs. Tweedleton, r. and Sally d. l. u. e.) 
Fire ! Fire ! Fire ! 

[ Throws open the window and all of t lie doors. 

Re-enter Smash, D. L. u. e., with tumbler oftuater. 

Smash. Now then, what's the row ! 

Tweed. Water — bring some water ! 

Smash. Here, {offering glass.) W T hat's the matter? 

Tweed. {Throwing the water over him.) Pooh! that's no 
use — get a bucket full — the house is on fire. 

Smash. Then I guess I'm off. [Runs off v. V. 

'Tweed. Fire— fire ! [Exit, l. 

Enter Stingo Grout, r. i e. 

Grout. Hullo ! what's the matter ? 

AV- ( y//<7- Tweedleton rapidly, l. i e., Mrs. Tweedleton, 
R., ringing large bell, and SALLY D. L. u. E. shouting 



THE MECHANICS' FAIR. 25 

"Fire!" Tweedleton crosses to R. and exits shouting. 
Stingo Grout runs off n. f., very much frightened. 
Lodgers flock in from various quarters and rush out D. F. — 
five children, the last very small, clinging to one another. 
Mrs. Tweedleton and Sally bawling " Fire /" as they 
pass. Re-enter Tweedleton with cow bell which he rings 
violently. 

Enter Felix Foxglove/;vw room, L. s. E. 

Foxglove. By jove ! What's the wow? What a wumpus 
and what a wiot ! What's that ? The house on haw ! Good- 
ness, gwacious ! I weally must wun. [Re-enters room and then 
rushes out with carpet-bag. TWEEDLETON locks street door, 
shuts windenv and dances about. 

7 weed. Hurrah ! Victory ! The foe have abandoned the 
field. 

Mrs. T. Oh, but the money we might have made — 

Tweed. Money be — never mind — what's money compared 
to the comforts of a home ? Come, we'll begin a new system, 
and my way of commencing the reform — Sally, go to bed at 
once ! 

Sally. Yes, sir. [Leans up against wing L. and goes to sleep. 

Tweed. And now, Tabitha — {a loud knocking is heard at tht 
door, accompanied by shouting — TWEEDLETON opens window. ) 
Who's there ? 

Voice. ( Outside. ) The Fire Department. 

Tweed. Get out — call again to-morrow. 

Voice. Isn't there a fire ? 

Tweed. Not a bit of it — who sent you ? 

Voice. A Yankee chap. 

Tweed. Then go and pump on the Yankee chap. 

[Shuts window— shouting and noise gradually dies away. 

Mrs. T. I was afraid they'd pump on us. 

Tweed. {Down c.) Not a bit of it. And now, Tabitha, 



2 6 THE MECHANICS' FAIR. 

give me a kiss, and we shall have the house to ourselves. 

[Kisses her. 

Mrs. T. Oh, dear, I hope not. 

Tweed. Don't misunderstand me — present company of 
course always excepted, (to audience.) We shall always be 
glad to see you, you know. And if you will honor our house 
with a visit, we will do all in our power to make you com- 
fortable, especially if it is during The Mechanics' Fair. 

curtain. 



LOCKED IN ; 

OR, 

THE WALL OF CHINA. 

A FARCE— IN ONE ACT. 
By T. P. JAMES, Esq. 

Author of The Red Light— The Wheel of Fortune— Phantom, 

or the Mystery of Great Grimwood — Lafin Wahter, or 

the Tyrant, the Trio and the Treasure — Golden 

Teapot, or the Prince, the Pirate, the Pet 

and the Policeman — Salt Water, 

or the Little Bill that was 

overdue — &C, &v. 



TO WHICH ARE ADDED 

The Cast of Characters, Costumes, Properties, Exits and Entrances, and 
Stage Business. 



SAN FRANCISCO : 

J. P. TRACY AND COMPANY, 

518 CLAY STREET, (Up Stairs.) 

1878. 



EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. 
LOCKED IN. 
The author lays no claim to originality for this piece, other 
than for the text, the plot being already a familiar one with 
many of our theatrical patrons. The farce was written ex- 
pressly for Mr. G. W. Smith, the popular comedian, and 
Miss Jennie Wilson, the charming little soubrette ; their pro- 
nounced success in A Conjugal Lesson suggested the idea to 
the author. Mr. Smith's impersonation of " Peter Stubbins" 
was an artistic success. His hollow, dry cough and sepul- 
chral laugh seemed to denote that the hyphondriac's worst 
fears were not unlikely to be realized. I lis astonishment at 
finding a lady in his apartment, is equalled by his trepidation 
at the discovery that by the upsetting of the brass-bound box 
his keys are securely incarcerated, and, in consequence, the 
lady and himself are effectually locked in. His heroic attempt 
to descend by the window is frustrated by a ferocious canine, 
from whose embraces he is glad to escape with a torn coat and 
pantaloons. His brilliant idea of dividing the room into two 
sections by means of a chalk line, which line is to be con- 
sidered as infrangible as the wall of China, or the Pyrenees, 
is upset by his own curiosity, which prompts him to peep 
over the wall contrary to agreement. Finally the climax, so 
artfully worked up, opens Peter's eyes to the fact that he has 
been a dupe all along to an unscrupulous physician, who has 
swindled him out of a wife and a fortune ; both of which, 
however, he recovers by the lucky accident of being locked 
in with the lady herself. 

mr &. r. b. 
(29) 



CAST OF THE CHARACTERS, 

As originally performed by the California Dramatic Club, on the evening 
of Friday, November 2d, 1877. 

Peter Stubbins — a hyphondriac Mr. G. W. Smith. 

Fanny Fact, with song Miss Jennie Wilson. 



COSTUMES. 

FANNY. — Neat travelling dress. 

STUBBINS.— A seedy tight-fitting suit of black, tall hat 
and black wis:. 



PROPERTIES. 

Coal-scuttle, tongs, warming-pan, broken plate, basket of 
provisions, newspaper, two candlesticks, vials and pill boxes, 
caracatures, bedstead with curtains, washstand, easy chair, 
small table, small brass-bound box, two stools — bunch of keys, 
umbrella and carpet-bag for Stubbins. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

L. means Left; R. Right; C. Centre; L. C. Left of Centre; 
R. C. Right of Centre ; L. I E. Left First Entrance; R. I 
E. Right First Entrance ; L. S. E. Left Second Entrance ; 
R. S. E. Right Second Entrance ; L. U. E. Left Upper En- 
trance ; R. U. E. Right Upper Entrance. 



Time of representation — 20 minutes. 

(3°) 



LOCKED IN. 



SCENE. — A plain apartment. A window {closed) in flat, L. 
C. — door, R. s. E. — bed with curtains, R. u. e. — was/island 
with a broken pitcher and half of a plate— fire-place with fire 
burning, L. s. E.— coal-scuttle, tongs and warming pan — a 
chair up C. with covered basket — two stools — a table, on 
xvhieh are two lighted candles and a small brass-bound box 
(open). Over mantel a variety of medicine bottles and pill 
boxes of all sizes — above them an engraving of a prize-fight — 
near was/island a caracature of a man hanging from a 
gibbet — time, night — wind and rain heard as curtain rises 
— Fanny Fact discovered seated in a large easy chair by the 
fire. 

Fanny. What a disagreeable night ! It is positively rain- 
ing pitchforks, and here I am miles away from a comfortable 
home ensconced in a strange boarding-house. This fire is 
really enchanting after the tedious ride I endured from the 
railroad station in a rickety coach, exposed all the way to the 
rain and chilly atmosphere of the afternoon. Dear, me ! it is 
certainly a novel sensation to be imitating the heroine of a 
fashionable novel, fleeing as I am from the horrid persecu- 
tion of a detestible uncle and an odious cousin, both of whom 
are, no doubt, by this time on my track. It was an unfortu- 
nate circumstance that induced my father to leave me to the 
tender mercies of his brother, instead of placing me under the 
control of a most excellent aunt ; for no sooner did my booby 

(31) 



32 LOCKED IN. 

of a cousin, whose brains are as light as his hair, arrive home 
from college, than he had the audacity to fall in love with me, 
or with the property my father left me, which is the most 
likely. In consequence, the simpleton has become insuffer- 
able by reason of his ceaseless attentions. He has followed 
me about with a persistency that has completely exhausted 
the small stock of patience I possessed, so, after mature de- 
liberation, having been forced to believe I could obtain no 
redress from my uncle, who but too plainly winks at the plans 
of his son, I determined to cast my chains off, and seek 
the protection of my aunt Polly, who lives some twelve miles 
from here. Were my persecutors aware of my present asylum, 
I should have them at my door before to-morrow morning; 
but, happily, I think I have thrown them off the scent. [Stirs 
fire.] The wintry blasts without remind me of my Jack, who 
left me one fine morning, years ago, to try his fortune on the 
rolling wave, and I have never heard from him since. [Comes 
down c] Alas ! perhaps he is even now food for the big 
fishes, or what is worse, married to one of those nasty mer- 
maids I have read about. \Sings. 

I had a lover, and he loved me, 

In his head he got a notion 
To make a pile of money he'd go to sea, 

Across the stormy ocean. 
And often he would rave 
About money and a cave 

Hid away upon an island; 
So he went to sea, 
And left poor me 

To lament his loss on dry land. 
Chorus. — Oh, Jack, Jack, Jack ! 

Come back, back, back ! 

And hear the little ducks go Quack ! Quack ! 

Quack ! 
Come back from sea, 
And marry me, 
And never mind the money. 



LOCKED IN. 33 

I've got bonds, and gas stock, too, 

And shares in great Spring Valley ; 
With lots of real estate at my command, 

And bullion, too, to tally. 
And it's yours, dear Jack — 
All of it intact — 

Including me, if you'll claim me ; 
So don't be long, 
For my passion's strong, 

Yes, I love you, Jack, do you blame me ? 
Chorus. — Oh, Jack, Jack, Jack ! etc. 

What a peculiar room, to be sure. [Looking around.] The 
landlady says it is occupied by a gentleman who is at present 
temporally absent. The house being quite full when I ar- 
rived, she took the liberty to accommodate me with his 
apartment for the night, for she has no reason to expect the 
gentleman back for several days yet. By the number of 
bottles and boxes on the mantel-piece I should judge the poor 
man was not in the best of health. [Yawning.] Dear me, how 
sleepy I am. [Looks at her watch. ] Good gracious, it is half- 
past twelve o'clock. I shall be sure to oversleep myself in 
the morning, and so give my disagreeable cousin an opportu- 
nity to catch me ere I can reach my destination. [ Tries door, 
R. II.] The door is locked and the key gone. I recollect, the 
landlady said she would prevent my being annoyed by any of 
the gentleman's friends, who, unaware of his absence, might 
seek to intrude into the privacy of my apartment. [Yawns.] 
I can hardly keep my eyes open. [Puts candles out, gets into 
bed and draws the curtain. Pause, during which the wind and 
rain increases. 

Enter Peter Stubbins through door, r. h., with timbrella 

and valise. LLe is dressed in a very shabby suit of black. 

Peter. [Shivering.] Boo! I'm drenched through and 

through — I might even say I strongly resemble a drowned 

rat. (Crosses to fire-place and puts down umbrella.] I shall 

M. F. 3. 



34 LOCKED IN. 

catch my death of cold, I know. [Lights one of the candles, ana 
during the following opens valise, from which he takes various 
articles of apparel, which he spreads out on easy chair before the 
fire. ] Talking of death, my physician and particular friend, 
Dr. Slyboots, says my goose is cooked — that I shall fall with 
the autumn leaves — so I haven't got six months to live. A 
pleasant prospect ! He says my ailment is consumption — the 
bare mention of which gives me a fit of ague — and when I 
remarked that my appetite was in no way impaired, he said 
that disease is a great promoter of digestion. Oh, lor, — talk 
of digestion to a man with one foot in the grave. And an- 
other thing — as I am rather susceptible to beauty and fascina- 
tion in the opposite sex, Dr. Slyboots said I must avoid such 
excitement, for were I to fall in love my life wouldn't be 
worth a nine-days purchase. I feel my courage slowly oozing 
out at the toes of my boots. That reminds me that they are 
decidedly damp — I must remove them at once. [Sits, pulls of? 
his boots and puts on slippers, which he takes from valise.'] How 
very thoughtful of Mrs. Waddle to provide a fire, ready 
waiting my return — my letter evidently had the desired effect. 
Very nice lady, is Mrs. Waddle. Very fond of her lodgers. 
[Rises and goes up stage winding his watch, which he deposits 
with his keys in the brass-bound box — he is about to close the lid 
but suddenly recollects.'] Stop ! I had almost forgotten the fact 
that this box shuts with a spring. Had I closed it, my keys 
would have been like a suit in chancery 'till a locksmith re- 
lieved them, and I should be most effectually locked in. 
[Crosses to L.] I'll make my bed just a little bit comfortable. 
[He takes zuarming-pan, warms it over fire, and crossing to bed 
inserts it between the curtains. Fanny Fact screams, and 
jumps out — Peter recoils in amazement, letting warming-pan 
drop and upsetting table with the box and candle — stage dark. 

Fanny. Thieves ! 

Peter. [Having lighted the candle. ] A woman ! 



LOCKED IN. 35 

Fanny. How did you get in here, sir ? 

Peter. How would you expect, but through the door? 
Would you mind explaining why you happen to be in my 
room ? 

Fanny. Your room, sir ! 

Peter. Yes — my bachelor apartment. 

Fanny. [Aside.] I see it all — the gentleman has returned — 
how unfortunate. [Aloud.] Excuse me, sir, but the landlady 
accommodated me with this room, as the house is quite full 
and you were not expected. 

Peter. Not expected ! why my letter was certainly plain 
enough. Not expected ! nonsense ! 

Fanny. Your letter, sir ? really she could not possibly have 
received it, for she told me herself I need not apprehend 
your return. 

Peter. Zounds ! I posted it myself — she must have got it — 
I'll swear she got it — this is a conspiracy — when I say I posted 
it myself I mean to say — [Finds letter in his pocket. 

Fanny. There, sir ; you see you are mistaken. 

Peter. Yes — [Aside.] What a fool I've made of myself. 

Fanny. And now, sir, I shall consider it a particular favor 
if you will leave this apartment for to-night. 

Peter. Leave my room — why where am I to go — you say 
the house is full. 

Fanny. I've no doubt but you can find accommodation 
down stairs. [Sweetly.] I'm sure you'll oblige me — you know 
it's only for one night. 

Peter. I suppose I must — but it's very disagreeable to be 
turned out of one's own bed-room. 

Fanny. I'm sorry, sir ; but really it was your own fault, 

Peter. My fault ! 

Fanny. You were not expected, sir. 

Peter. But I pay for the room by the month, whether I am 
expected or not. 



36 LOCKED IN. 

Fanny. Yes, sir — but then you know the accommodation 
of a lady — 

Petei: Well, I see I must be obliging. 

Fanny. I'm a thousand times obliged to you, sir. 

Peter. [Picking up table. ] Don't mention it, madam. [Lift- 
ing up brass-bound box, which is shut.] Good gracious ! 

Fanny. What's the matter, sir ? 

Peter. I placed my keys in this box, which has a spring 
catch, so those indispensible articles are securely locked up. 

Fanny. You can remedy that in the morning, sir. 

Peter. But in the mean time how am I to get out ? 

Fanny. Get out, sir ! why by the door. 

Peter. Impossible — it is locked. 

Fanny. But your pass key ? 

Peter. Is with the others in the box. 

Fanny. How unlucky. [Aside. ] What do you propose to 
do? 

Peter. I'm completely non-plused — we are fairly locked in. 

Fanny. But, sir, you must leave — think of my reputation. 

Peter. I'll call out to Mrs. Waddle. [Going. 

Fanny. [Pulling hi 'm back.] You'll alarm the house, sir — 
besides, what would she think — I'd be ruined. You must get 
out some other way, sir. 

Peter. I'll call to my friend in the next room. [Going. 

Fanny. [Pulling him back.] Consider my reputation, sir, if 
we are discovered here locked in together at this hour of the 
night — [Looking at her watch.] or rather morning. It is 
nearly half-past one o'clock, sir. 

Peter. I think it is. 

Fanny. I admire your coolness, sir. 

Pete?-. Coolness — I'm beginning to be seriously alarmed 
lest my character be ruined if any one were to find I was 
shut up with a lady. 

Fanny, This jesting is unfeeling, sir. You have brought 



LOCKED IN. 37 

me into this predicament and ought to do something to extri- 
cate me from it. 

Peter. Madam, I'll do anything you please. [Crossing and 
aside. ] The more I look at her — the more I contemplate those 
gorgeous eyes — the more I perceive the danger of remaking 
here. Dr. Slyboots' warning rises vividly before my imagi- 
nation. If I stay much longer I'll be hopelessly gone — a vic- 
tim to the charms of my extraordinary room-mate. [Aloud.] 
I'll break open the door. 

Fanny. [Alarmed.] Sir — sir, that will never do. 

Peter. I'll jump out of the window. [Goesup.~\ Oh, lor, it's 
two stories high. 

Fanny. You are very kind, sir — that will be the best 
course — jump — pray jump. [Goes up to window. 

Peter. But, it's rather high — besides it's raining cats and 
dogs. Then the water-butt is immediately underneath. 

Fanny. But, sir — 

Peter. If I only had a ladder now — 

Fanny. There's a trellis for a grape vine — couldn't you 
manage to scramble down that ? 

Peter. [Aside. ] She wants me to commit suicide. 

Fanny. [In a fascinating persuasive tone.] There is no 
danger — pray oblige me. 

Peter. [Aside.] There's no resisting such fascination — I dare 
not stay a moment longer, or my goose will be irrevocably 
cooked, and I shall be a dead man in nine days. In en- 
deavoring to prevent myself from falling in love, I am running 
a tolerable fair chance of falling from the window. 

Fanny. Pray, sir, are you going — 

Peter. Yes, to oblige such loveliness in distress I would 
willingly jump from the top of the spire of St. Patrick's 
Church. [Going to windono and putting one leg out.] Boo ! how 
cold it is. If I should break a leg or two — never mind. [Pre- 
pares to descend.] Here I am, imitating the cats, and all to 



38 LOCKED IN. 

run away from a pretty woman. This may be very romantic 
or chivalrous for troubadours and knights-errant, but I 
prefer a stair-case. [Disappears. 

Fanny. Poor fellow, I'm sorry to turn him out — he's quite 
a martyr to his politeness. I consider myself extremely fortu- 
nate in having met with such a well-bred and considerate 
person — had he been like my silly cousin, I'm afraid I should 
have been in frightful difficulties. [Crossing to fire.] Dear me, 
he forgot his boots — he'll catch his death of cold. 

[The barking of a large dog is heard. 

Peter. [Without.] Hi, there! Hullo! Hullo! Get out 
you brute ! Get out ! Murder ? Help ! 

Fanny. Good gracious ! what's the matter ? 

Peter. Murder ! Let go, you brute ! Help ! [Re-enters 
suddenly through window., with his clothes very badly torn — 
Fanny screams.] Oh, lor! why don't they feed their dogs 
here. [Doq barks again.] It won't do old fellow ! 

Fanny. Oh, go down again, sir — pray do. 

Peter. Impossible, madam ; there's an enormous Cerberus 
below who wishes to sup on me. 

Fanny. You cannot think to remain — 

Peter. But my retreat is cut off by that terrible dog. [Dog 
barks again.] Hi, there, you brute be quiet ! 

Fanny. But, sir, you cannot have the intention of passing 
the night here ? 

Peter. But, madam, you surely do not wish me to be de- 
voured ? 

Fanny. [Getting very angry.] Sir, it is high time we should 
understand each other ! 

Peter. I'm perfectly of your opinion. 

Fanny. This room belongs to me. 

Peter. I beg pardon— to me. 

Fanny. But I paid for the use of it to-night. 

Peter. And I have paid for the use of it for the month. 



LOCKED IN. 



39 



Fanny. [In a rage.] Well, sir, what is to be done? 

Peter. I don't know madam — we are locked in. 

Fanny. [Taking a footstool and sitting in front of stage.] I 
oiippose, then, I must pass the night here. 

Peter. Allow me to offer a suggestion. 

Fanny. Speak, sir, I am forced to listen to you. 

Peter. Suppose we divide the chamber, then we shall both 
be at home, and at liberty to act as we please — what say you, 
madam? 

Fanny. How is it to be accomplished ? 

Peter. Thus. [Taking a piece of chalk from mantle-piece, he 
draws a line in the middle of the stage, from the front to the 
back. ] There is the line — the equator. Will you take up your 
abode north or south ? 

Fanny. [Pointing to f re-place and passing to L.] I should 
prefer the south. 

Peter. Granted. [Jumps over line to R.] I'm settled in the 
north. 

Fanny. But the line is to be considered infrangible. 

Peter. The Alps, the Pyrenees, the wall of China ; and that 
has never been got over, you know. Agreed. 

Fanny. And each will keep strict silence during the whole 
of the night. 

Peter. Agreed. But if I should chance to speak in my 
dreams, that mustn't be considered an infraction. 

Fanny. That clause is granted. And whichever should 
break this agreement — 

Peiei-. Shall be considered an ungentlemanly fellow. 

Fanny. Agreed, Now, good night, sir. 

Peter. Good night. [Fanny goes to mantle-piece and ar- 
ranges her hair before glass — Peter seats himself on stool near 
bed and gazes at her with comic inquietude.] This is un- 
commonly awkward. 

Fanny. [Aside.] Notwithstanding our separation, the prox- 



40 LOCKED IN. 

imity of my neighbor is far from agreeable. The China wall 

is very transparent. Well, I suppose it can't be helped. 

[Places easy chair near fire, and sits. 

Peter. [Looking at bed.'] I haven't got the worst half. I've 
remarked that the beds in the country are very soft and good. 
[Feels bed.] Eh ! hullo ! Mrs. Waddle must have changed my 
mattrass. When they put the feathers into this they forgot 
to take out the fowls. That poor little woman does not seem 
very comfortable. Suppose I offer her a pillow. [Takes a 
pilloivfrom bed and advances to line, which he is very careful 
not to pass, and makes a variety of extravagant gestures to at- 
tract Fanny's attention, whose bafli is turned to him. Fanny 
turns, Peter repeats his pantomime, placing his head on pillow, 
etc. Fanny rises, takes pillow, which Peter gives her at 
arm's length ; thanks him in graceful action, and returns to 
her seat. 

Fanny. [Aside.] He is really very polite. I do not repent 
my hospitality. 

Peter. Fate favors me and I shall profit by it. [Humming 
a lively air — takes off his coat and views it.] There's sixteen 
dollars gone. [ Takes off cravat and vest. 

Fanny. The gentleman is very gay. [Turns and rises 
alarmed.] Sir, sir, what are you about ? 

Peter. [Arranging bed and speaking in a whisper.] Hush ! 

Fanny. Surely you do not mean to undress ? 

Peter. Hush ! 

Fanny. But I cannot suffer — 

Peter. Hush ! You are breaking the treaty. Hush ! 

Fanny. It is impossible that you can go to bed, sir ! 

Peter. How impossible^? Isn't it my territory ; and wouldn't 
it be very ridiculous that a luxury which has been twice paid 
for shouldn't be used ? 

Fanny. [Coaxingly.] But my dear, sir, I entreat you — 

Peter. [Aside. ] There, she has me again. I can't withstand 



LOCKED IN. 41 

her wheedling. [Aloud.] Well, I renounce my advantage. 
(Puts on coat and vest and drazus stool forward. ] This is very 
•hard — very hard. [Fidgets about and appears very uncomfort- 
able. Fanny has resumed her seat.] I've nothing to support 
my head. 

Fanny. If you like this easy chair, sir, it is very much at 
your service. 

Peter. [Rises and bowing.] No, thank you, madam, I 
wouldn't take it from you for the world. Stay ; will you 
have the kindness to transport it to the frontier ? 

Fanny. Willingly, sir. For what purpose ? 

(Removes chair to C. 

Peter. To illustrate. [He places chair so that the hind legs 
are on the line.] Now oblige by resuming your seat. [Fanny 
sits — Peter places two stools in a line behind the chair, then 
goes to bed and brings down apillcnc. 

Fanny. [Aside.] Poor fellow ! I must confess that his sub- 
mission is very heroic. [Peter puts pillozv against chair, sits 
on stool nearest chair and stretches out his legs on the other. 

Peter. There, that's comfortable. 

Fanny. Now, sir, we will, if you please, return to our treaty 
— Good night. 

Peter. Good night ! [Seeing that his legs are beyond the 
second stool.] My bedstead is rather short; I'm obliged to 
let my legs float in the atmosphere. I'm not accustomed to 
sleep in a chair ; I should make a very bad magistrate in that 
particular. This is a very novel kind of tete-a-tete — a rather 
perplexing thing to sleep so close to a pretty woman — each 
moment I feel the fascination she exercises over me increas- 
ing—goodness gracious ! if I yield to the deadly influence I 
may as well order my friend Brown, the undertaker, to have 
a coffin ready for me in nine days. [Pause — he listens — aloud.] 
Are you asleep, madam ? [Aside. ] Yes — she is, fast. I should 
like to see how she looks ; what is there to prevent me from 



42 LOCKED IN. 

having a peep ? [He sits up ; the pillow falls, then without 
putting his feet to the ground, he kneels on the stool and leans 
both hands on the back of the chair — during this movement the 
stool on which he kneels creaks ; by gestures he requests it to be 
quiet. 

Fanny. [Aside.] I think my neighbor has got up. [Peter 
leans over chair and peeps at her — she, without rising, draws 
the chair away quickly — Peter, whose hands are resting on the 
back, nearly falls. 

Peter. [Trying to recover his balance.] Hullo ! Hullo ! 

Fanny. [Pretending surprise.] Eh ! What's the matter, 
sir? 

Peter. You have again broken our treaty and almost my 
neck. 

Fanny. How so ? 

Peter. You have removed the wall. 

Fanny. [Rising.] And you, sir, peeped over it. 

Peter. I couldn't help it ; I was overcome with curiosity. 

Fanny. You have forfeited my confidence, so there can be 
no dealings between us. [Takes chair to f re-place and sits. 

Peter. I must remove again. [Picks up pillow, and removes 
stools to bed.] The bed is interdicted — the easy chair is gone 
— I am really a most unfortunate individual. 

[Sits ; but presently he rises and walks up and down stage. 

Fanny. [Aside. ] My neighbor seems determined to keep 
me awake. Why can't he be quiet ? I'm getting so nervous. 
[Peter contimtes to walk.] Dear me, I can't stand this. 
[Rises.] Sir, sir ! 

Peter. [Stops.] Well, madam. 

Fanny. Will you accept an invitation to supper, sir ? 

Peter. Supper at five in the morning ? 

Fanny. Well, breakfast then, if you prefer. 

Peter. Excuse me, madam, but really I can't see how we 
can get out to get breakfast. 



LOCKED IN. 43 

Fanny. I have it here. [Goes and brings basket from chair. 

Peter. My dear, madam, I accept your invitation. 

[He places table exactly in the centre of the chalk line. 

Fanny. If we only had a table-cloth. 

Peter. {Gets a newspaper and spreads it out.} There. 

Fanny. [Laying out the contents of the basket.} Dear, me; 
we haven't got a plate. [Peter goes to washsiand and brings 
the broken one. ] That's only half of a plate. 

Peter. I lent the other half to my friend in the next room. 
[They sit. Peter cuts bread and chicken.} This is a rather 
small chicken. By the way, I've a conundrum for you. 

Fanny. Well, what is it ? 

Peter. Why is this chicken like a young lover ? 

Fanny. Dear, me ; I couldn't guess — why is it ? 

Peter. Because it's so remarkably tender. [Both laugh.} 
That aint bad, is it? [They eat.} By the way, may I take the 
liberty to inquire where you are travelling to, unattended ? 

Famiy. Certainly, sir ; but it's a long story. 

Petei: So much the better ; I like long stories. 

Fanny. Well, sir ; then you must know that I am the vic- 
tim of a horrid persecution. 

Peter. [Becoming very interested. } You don't say so ! 

Fanny. Yes ; I am in fact, sir, running away from my 
uncle, and his horrible son. 

Petei: Oh ! 

Fanny. To seek an asylum with my aunt Polly. 

Peter. Ah! 

Fanny. You no doubt will wonder at so extraordinary a 
proceeding on the part of a young lady — 

Peter. Oh, not at all. 

Fanny. But I am sure, sir, when you know all, you will 
agree that I am acting wisely. 

Peter. Certainly — I agree to that already. 

Fanny. But you have not heard the stoiy. 



44 LOCKED IN. 

Peter. That's of no consequence. I'll swear that you are 
an injured party. I'll take an oath to anything. 

Fanny. But my dear sir, you are rash to form so hasty a 
conclusion. However, you shall see for yourself. 

Peter. Yes — of course. 

Fanny. My father intended that I should marry the son of 
an old friend, and with that view he bequeathed all of his 
property conjointly to myself and this young man — my in- 
tended. 

Peter. Happy young man ! 

Fanny. With this proviso : that should either of us refuse 
to abide by the condition and reject the alliance, the entire 
property should revert to the other. 

Peter. Of course he did not refuse, and you — 

Fanny. As you may naturally suppose, I dreaded to link 
my future to one of whom I knew nothing, and who to this 
day I never saw. 

Peter. Never saw your intended ? 

Fanny. No — and what is more, he never has seen me. 

Peter. Oh ! 

Fanny. And is utterly ignorant that any such will exists. 

Peter. That accounts for it. 

Fanny. My uncle, who is my guardian, agreed to extricate 
me from my unpleasant predicament, provided I would agree 
to marry his son, who, also, I had never seen. 

Peter. This is certainly very extraordinary. 

Fanny. Yes, sir ; but to avoid one evil I pretended to ac- 
quiesce ; so my uncle, who I then found out was this young 
man's medical advisor, and had all along been coaxing money 
out of the simpleton's pocket on the plea of treating him for 
an imaginary incurable case of consumption, persuaded the 
ninny to sign a refusal of my hand, with the threat that should 
he fall in love his life would not be worth a nine-days' lease. 

Peter. What 1 [Starting. 



LOCKED IN. 



45 



Fanny. [Alarmed.'] Sir, sir ! what is the matter? 

Peter. Nothing — nothing! [Forcing a laugh.] Goon. 

Fanny. So now, by the conditions of the will, all the 
property reverts to me. [Laughs.] And my uncle has ar- 
ranged to send the silly young man off to Europe to get him 
out of the way. ■ 

Peter. [With a septdchral laugh and a grimace.] Go on. 

Fanny. [Aside.] My companion is certainly acting very 
strangely. [Aloud.] Having thus extricated me from one pre- 
dicament, my uncle insisted on urging matters with regard to 
his son, much against my inclination ; for I soon found my 
cousin to be a fashionable fop, who regarded a woman with 
much the same view that one admires a fine horse. His at- 
tentions became unbearable, so I have taken the present mode 
to rid myself of them. 

Peter. The name of your highly respected uncle is— 

Fanny. Dr. Slyboots. 

Peter. [Jumping tip and shouting.] Ha! 

Fanny. [Rising in dismay. ] Goodness gracious, sir ! 

Peter. [Excited.] I see it all ! An infernal conspiracy — a 
diabolical subterfuge ! He has robbed me of a wife of whom 
I knew nothing, and of wealth of which I knew less. What 
a donkey I've been ! [Seizes Fanny's hand.] Do you know 
who I am? 

Fanny. [Aside.] He's mad — I'm locked in with a lunatic. 
[Aloud.] Really, sir — 

Peter. You do not — I am Peter Stubbins ! 

Fanny. [Astonished.] My intended ! 

Peter. Exactly. Here I've been stuffing myself with medi- 
cines and cartloads of pills under the impression I was on the 
verge of the grave. I've signed away a pretty wife and a 
snug fortune. No wonder you called me a simpleton ! So 
old Slyboots is going to send me to Europe is he ? Oh, I'd 
like to throttle him ! 



46 LOCKED IN. 

Fanny. Oh, dear, how romantic this is, to be sure. 

Peter. The more I look at you, the more impossible I feel 
it is to shake off the chains your presence has already drawn 
around me. I cannot resist the fascination of those lovely 
eyes. 

Fanny. Sir ! 

Peter. Come, now, you'll admit I've been taken at a dis- 
advantage ; make amends and marry me — you'll thus escape 
at once the persecution of your disagreeable cousin, and that 
old villain, Slyboots. 

Fanny. But, sir, so unexpected a proposition — 

Peter. [Aside. ] The woman that hesitates they say — [Aloud. ] 
Come now, say the word ; it's broad daylight and Mrs. Wad- 
dle will be here presently. 

Fanny. Well, I suppose I must capitulate — but not uncon- 
ditionally, sir. There's my hand. 

Peter. Of course. 

Fanny. And I trust, sir, that we shall never have cause to 
regret our having been — 

Peter. Locked In, 

CURTAIN. 



-THE 

LIMERICK BOY; 

OR, 

PADDY'S MISCHIEF. 

AN ORIGINAL FARCE, 
IN ONE ACT. 



By JAMES PILGRIM, 

AUTHOR OF 

Paddy the Piper — Shandy McGuire — Irish Assurance — Eva, 

the Irish Princess — Ireland and America — Servants 

by Legacy — Robert Emmet — Pirate Doctor — 

Clouds and Sunshine — 6-v., drv. 



TO WHICH ARE ADDED 

The Cast of Characters, Costumes, Properties, Exits and Entrances, and 
Stage Business. 



SAN FRANCISCO : 

J. P. TRACY AND COMPANY, 

518 CLAY STREET, (Up Stairs.) 

1878. 



CAST OF THE CHARACTERS, 

( As performed by the California Dramatic Club. 

1 Turn Verein Hall, 1869. Farragut's Th. Val. 1875. 

Paddy Miles Mr. T. S. Williams. Mr. Harry Fish. 

Dr. Coates C. H. Waters. G. S. Crane. 

Henry Arthur Walcott. J. C. Clement. 

Reuben Harry Pierce. Geo. Hall. 

Job G.R.French. G.W.Smith. 

Mrs. Fidget MissT. Anderson. MissS. Hopkins. 

Jane Julia French. Clara Hall. 



COSTUMES. 

PADDY MILES. — Gray frieze coat, red vest, corduroy 
breeches, gray stockings, ankle shoes, and high crown hat. 

DR. COATES. — Black cut-away coat, embroidered vest, 
black breeches, blue stockings, shoes and buckles, white neck- 
cloth, white wig, and cane. 

HARRY. — Modern walking suit. 

JOB. — White shirt, red vest, black velveteen breeches, 
green apron, shoes, gray stockings, and sandy wig. 

REUBEN. — Green shooting coat with white pearl buttons, 
plush vest, drab breeches, blue stockings, shoes, colored 
cravat, countryman's hat, wig. 

MRS. FIDGET.— Respectable old lady's dress. 

JANE.— Walking dress. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

L. means Left; R. Right; C. Centre; L. C. Left of Centre; 
R. C. Right of Cmtre ; L. I E. First Entrance Left; R. I 
E. First Entrance Right ; L. S. E. Second Entrance Left ; 
R. S. E. Second Entrance Right ; L. 3 E. Third Entrance 
Left ; R. 3 E. Third Entrance Right; G. Groove, in which 
the scene and wings slide. 



Time of representation— 40 minutes. 



(48) 



THE LIMERICK BOY. 



SCENE I. — Cottage fiats, 5 G. Garden wall across stage, 4 
G. , with c. gates, practical. Set house, R. s. E. , door, practi- 
cal, with brass plate, on it "Dr. Coates." Upper window 
over door, practical, backed by interior. Sign post and swing 
sign on L. 3 e. " Pig and Whistle." Harry discovered. 

Harry. Good heavens, it seems long ! If I could but see 
my dear Jane, I wouldn't care ; but that cursed Mrs. Fidget, 
and Job, the gardener, are so careful, I have no chance ; how- 
ever, I'll run to the back gate ; perchance I may see her at 
the window. [Exit, r. s. e. 

Enter Paddy, L. I e. , singing, with bundle and stick. 

Pad. Here I am all the way from Limerick ; bad luck to 
my ould father's name. If anything was done in Limerick, 
and you only asked who did it, they would be shure to say it 
was Paddy Miles' boy ; thin I came here to live wid Mister 
Fireshovel— by my sowl, it was all the same. Who broke 
the plates and dishes? Paddy Miles' boy. Who put the 
cockles on the cat's feet ? Paddy Miles' boy. Who let the 
dog out, and killed all the cocks, hens, and chickens ? Paddy 
Miles' boy. Bad luck to Paddy Miles' boy, says my master — 
I'll kick him out of the house — and he done it. And here I 
am an independent gintleman, out of place, wid one shilling 
in my pocket, and all through being Paddy Miles' boy. 
What to do I don't know. A lucky thought has run through 
the top of my house — I'll change my name — I've heard talk 
of the same thing being done, but that was by paying a big 
sum of money ; faith, it's come to this, 1*11 take Frinch lave; 
so here goes ; it shall be Paddy O'Connor, and I'll look afther 
some one to make a master of. 

M. F. 4. (49) 



50 THE LIMERICK BOY. 

Enter Harry from doctor's shop, r. s. e. 

Har. Young man, you seem at a loss which way to go ! 
Are you in want of a situation? 

Pad. [Aside] How the clivil did he know that? [Aloud.'] 
Shure that's the thing I do want ! 

Har. Indeed ! Would you have any objection to serve a 
doctor ? 

Pad. Serve a doctor ! Ha, ha, ha ! By my sowl I should 
niver be able to take all the physic he would be afther giving 
me. 

Har. [Laughing.] Ha, ha, ha ! My good fellow, you will 
have no medicine to swallow — merely carry it round to our 
customers. My father wants a lad, and by your appearance, 
I think you'll suit. Twenty pounds a year, with board and 
lodging — manage a few private affairs for me, which is all 
that will be required. 

Pad. Twinty pounds ! Say it again — you're joking. 

Har. Indeed, I am not ! I repeat that you will have 
twenty pounds per year, board, washing and lodging. 

Pad. Twinty pounds a year ! I'll go home — buy Ireland 
and sink it ; if that's all you'll require, I'm the one for ye's — 
shure I can tell a lie, and kape a sacret better than any boy in 
the parish. 

Har. Well, consider yourself engaged ! But where did you 
live last ? What's your name ? Of course you have a char- 
acter. 

Pad. I suppose ivery man has a character. I've come 
from Limerick — my name's Paddy O'Connor. [Feeling in 
pockets. ] My character is like a wild colt — it's got into some 
corner. [Finds it in his hat.] Here it is, from my ould master, 
Larry O'Brallig an' Calligan McFousel. [Gives it. 

Har. [Reading.] " Paddy Miles worked for me, at the bogs 
of Limerick — was an honest, decent boy — left on his own ac- 
count — as the girls would all be telling lies on him." 

Pad. Yes, and tickling me ! 

Har. [Aside.] So, so ! he has had some experience with 
the fair sex, and will answer my purpose the better. [Aloud.] 
But you told me your name was Paddy O'Connor. 

Pad. Thin I told you a lie. Now I'll tell you the truth ; 
when I was at Limerick, the darlint place — was you iver 
there, sir? 

Har. Never. 



THE LIMERICK EOY. 5 1 

Pad. Thin you lost a big sight, I can tell you. When I 
was at Limerick, as I said before, I was shure to be in some 
trouble — whatever was going astray, Paddy Miles' boy was 
shure to be doing it ; so, to kape out of scrapes, I changed my 
name, loike my sister Judy, only, ye see, she got married, and 
I didn't, and as I wished to be a respectable member of so- 
ciety, and as I'm going to kape a secret for you, faith, I don't 
think I'll be axing such a moighty dale too much for you to do 
the sarr*e for me ; and when a man's bothered what can be so 
delightful as a true and confidential friend ? 

Har. True, Paddy ! I'll keep your secret for you, but when 
you see my father, mind your P's and Q's. 

[Exit into doctor s shop, R. s. E. 

Pad. [Feeling in his pockets.] Stop, sir! Mister! sir, sir! 
Be damn but he might want the character himself. 

Re-enter Harry, f. s. E. 

You forgot to give me back my character. 

Har. True, here it is ! [Exit, R. S. E. 

Pad. I am engaged with twinty pounds a year, breakfast, 
dinner and supper, wid a doctor — if he only knew it was 
Paddy Miles' boy, I'd be kicked out. I'm to kape a secret — 
that will be no aisy matter ; and tell a lie — that's the rub for 
me — shure I'll niver forget Limerick, where parades cost 
nothing, and buttermilk half the price ; but it's no use think- 
ing of the days gone by ; I'll take some whisky punch, and 
drink long life to the boy that brewed it — faith, it reminds me 
of home, when I was the ladies' darlint. 

[Sings song, then exits into the Pig and J Thistle, L. 3 E. 

Enter REUBBN, L. I E. 

Pen. Ha, ha, ha ? Well, I can't help thinking how nicely 
I've been tricked by Miles' boy — ha, ha, ha ! He must be a 
rum chap to be sure — went three miles for a job. "Who 
sent you?" said the farmer. "Why. Miles' boy," said I. 
"Damn Miles' boy," said he — ha, ha, ha! "What for?" 
said I. " He sent me twenty other chaps about the same 
thing," said he — ha, ha, ha ! All the places I went, they 
told me the same story — ha, ha, ha ! Now, as I've been 
made such a fool of by Sides' boy, I don't see why I shouldn't 
make a fool of somebody else, and tell him it was Miles' boy 



52 THE LIMERICK BOY. 

—ha, ha, ha ! Dr. Coates lives here ; I'll tell him that 
Farmer Saddletree be dying — ha, ha, ha! [Knocks at door.] 
Doctor, doctor ! 

Doc. [Looks out of 'window.] My good fellow, what's the 
matter that you bawl so loud ? 

Ren. The matter be that Farmer Saddletree be taken very 
ill, and wants you directly. I be sorry, doctor, I can't go 
with you. [Doctor leaves windoiv.] It bites — he'll go. Ha, 
ha, ha ! Miles' boy. [Exit, r. i E. 

Enter Dr. Coates from house, r. s. e. 

Doc. I'll go immediately ! Bless me ! all the village is ill 
— a rare time for me this — I have so much to do, I don't 
know which way to go first. By-the-by, I have not paid my 
respects to Mrs. Fidget yet ; confound that son of mine, here 
I am paying my addresses to the mother, and the young ras- 
cal is making love to the daughter. Death and the devil ! I 
am thinking of my domestic troubles, while some of my pati- 
ents are dying ! I'll be off to the farmer's. [Going, L., Pad- 
dy enters from Pig and Whistle, I,. 3 E., runs against him.] 
Can't you look where you are going ? [Exit, L. I E. 

Pad. Bad luck to you ! can't you see yourself? Ho, there ! 
come back ; you have left something behind you. 

Re-enter Doctor, l. i e. 

Doc. What have I left behind me ? 

Pad. Your manners, you spalpeen ! 

Doc. Go to the devil, you young scoundrel ! [Exit, L. I E. 

Pad. Ha, ha, ha ! go to the divil yourself, and niver come 
back again. Scoundrel ! did he call me ? I'm a better man 
than iver he was, Mr. Paddy Miles — O, it's Paddy O'Con- 
nery, I mane. Och, murder ! if that oulcl fellow should be 
the chap I am going to make my master — I'm blown up, 
sunk and done over ! I wonder what my young master wants 
me to kape a secret from his father, and tell a lie to his 
mother for ? I have it — he is going caterwallering afther the 
girls ; I am the one for him — shure my ould father always told 
me I was a divil of a boy for a job in the dark. [Sings. 

Enter Harry, with bottle, R. s. E. 

Har. Paddy, you seem in a merry humor. 



THE LIMERICK BOY. 53 

Pad. How can I be otherwise, when engaged by a gintle- 
man like yourself? As aisy as you could say whack ! I 
could jump through a brick wall. 

liar. The devil you could ! But I have better sport in 
view. My father is paying his addresses to Mrs. Fidget, who 
lives in yonder house, and I have formed an attachment for 
her daughter, but the old folks have arranged matters so, I 
can't get into the house ; I have no chance of seeing my dear 
Jane— and the gardener, Job, is as spiteful to me as his 
mistress. 

Pad. Spiteful is he to you ? Show him to me, my darlint ! 
I'll knock daylight through him ! 

liar. No, no ! My dear fellow, that won't do — stratagem 
is the order of the day. I intend to mix a bottle of medicine, 
by which means you can gain admittance to the house, and 
give this letter to Jane unnoticed. [Gives letter. 

Pad. I'll do it, sir. Get me the physic, and show me the 
door, and thin I'll find the house myself. 

Har. I'll get it instantly. [Exit into shop, R. S. E. 

Pad. Niver fear, but I'll get the blind side of them — pitch 
the blarney to the ould woman and gardener — he don't know 
what a boy I am for the girls. O, murder ! how they used to 
fight for me at Limerick, when Judy went up like a sheaf of 
straw, and Kitty went down like a sack of sand. 

Re-enter Harry, with bottle, R. s. e. 

Har. Here is the medicine, Paddy ; pray, be careful. 

Pad. Niver fear, sir ; I'll just be understanding the thing 
right — the physic is for the young girl, and the letter for the 
ould woman ? 

Har. No, no ! the letter is for the young lady. 

Pad. Very well, sir — all right, sir — you're down upon that 
ould woman, sir. I'll do it. [Harry exits, r. s. e. 

Paddy goes to the garden gate, in c, and knocks land. Job 
opens the gate, c. Paddy strikes him — he runs dozvn, L. 

I'm the doctor ! 

Job. [l.] O, you have nearly knocked the breath out of me. 

Pad. [r.] Niver mind, I'll knock it in again. I'm the 
doctor, and want to go into the house ! 

Job. You the doctor, indeed ! come, that's a good one. 



54 THE LIMERICK EOY. 

Pad. Bad luck to ye, ain't I the doctor's boy, wid the 
physic ? 

Job. That's more likely, but I can't let you in. 

Pad. But I must go in ; my master told me so. 

Job. What, Dr. Coates ? I won't believe it ; besides, there 
is arrangements made between my mistress and your master 
that no one shall enter. 

Pad. Well, don't I know that ? he has altered his mind, 
bekase I am his confidential servant. By the way, it's good 
news I have to tell you, my darlint ! 

Job. Good news to tell me ! What is it ? 

Pad. O, be aisy a while ; it's the best thing you iver heard 
of in all your life — your grandfather's dead ! 

Job. [Starting. ] Do you call that good news ? 

Pad. What else should I call it ? Shure he won't have the 
trouble of dying again, and he has left you two hundred 
pounds, which is waiting for you at the bank in the village. 

Job. Why, my grandfather ! Mr. Lumpkins, the grocer ? 

Pad. [Aside, laughing.] That's his name, shure enough ! 

Job. [Sings and dances.] Here's luck for a gardener ! what, 
I'll come out a swell next week ; but, I say, measter, who 
told you so ? 

Pad. Who told me so ? 'Pon my soul, it was Paddy Miles' 
boy ! 

Job. Jolly good luck to Paddy Miles' boy. There, you 
may go into the house. I'll be off to get my two hundred 
pounds. [Exit, singing and dancing, L. I E. 

Pad. [Calling.] See here ! come back, mister! 

Re-ente7' Job, L. I E. 

If you get the two hundred pounds, you'll give me a shilling? 

Job. Yes, to be sure I will ! [Exit, L. I e. 

Pad. I'm mighty shure that I won't get that shilling any- 
how. He's into the secret with Paddy Miles' boy, and I'll 
be into the house. Who's afraid ! Ould Ireland foriver — 
whoo ! [Exit through garden gate, in c. 



SCENE II. — A Parlor in Mrs. Fidget's house, i g 

Enter Mrs. Fidget and Jane, r. i e. 
Mrs. F. Don't talk to me, miss ! 



THE LIMERICK BOY. 



55 



Jane. Indeed, it's a great shame that a young girl like me 
should be kept a complete prisoner — no one must come in or 
go out. 

Mrs. F. It's all for your own good. You don't know the 
deceit of the world, as I do. There's not a gentleman in the 
village I would trust, except Dr. Coates — he is a moral man 
of honor. 

Jane. So is his son, Harry, a man of honor. 

Mrs. F. It is false ! He is a scapegrace, and no more like 
his father than an apple is like an oyster. 

Jane. Really at your time of life to think of marriage ; it 
is complete folly. 

Mrs. F. Why, you brazen-faced — I will have you locked 
up in your room. {Calling.} Mary ! Thomas ! Job ! I say. 

Pad. [Without.'] I'll be wid you, my darlint ! [Runs on L. 
I E., and off, and returns.] 

Mrs. F. Bless us, and save us ! where did you spring from ? 

Pad. Spring from ! Ould Ireland, to be sure. 

Mrs. F. How did you get into this house ? 

Pad. Why, through the garden gate, and through the door. 
[Gives letter to Jane unnoticed. 

Mrs. F. But how did you come ? 

Pad. On the marrow-bone stage of my ten toes. 

Mrs. F. What do you want ? 

Pad. Nothing, ma'am- — I brought it myself. 

Mrs. F. I shall go mad if I talk to this blockhead ! Jane, 
call the servants. 

Jane. La, ma ! he must have come for something — perhaps 
from Dr. Coates. 

Pad. To be shure I have. Here is a bottle of physic for 
the ould woman. 

Mrs. F. Why did you not say so at first ? 

Pad. Because you niver axed me. 

Jane. Don't be angry with him ; he has just come from 
Ireland, and he is not used to our ways. 

Pad. Yes, ma'am, I came all the way from Limerick, with 
my own intelligint self, Mr. Paddy O'Connery. 

Mrs. F. As that is the case, I must forgive you ; but how 
much of this medicine did your master say I must take at a 
time? 

Pad. At a time, ma'am. [Aside] O, murder, what will I 
say to her? [Aloud.] He said, ma'am, that you must — [Aside.] 
Bad luck to me if I know what he said. 



56 THE LIMERICK BOY. 

Mrs. F. I wish to know how to take it. 

Pad. Yes, ma'am — all right, ma'am. 

Mrs. F. You don't understand me ! I mean the quantity. 

Pad. Yes, ma'am — that's what he said, ma'am ! 

Mrs. F. Why, you're a fool ! 

Pad. All right, ma'am — yes, ma'am. 

Airs. F. How can you be so stupid ; I mean, how much 
am I to take at a time ? 

Pad. Take it all at once, ma'am. 

Mrs. F. What ! take a quart of medicine at once ? 

Jane. He means, you should take a wine glass full at a 
time. 

Pad. That's just what I mane — take a glass full ivery 
minute — thin you will feel funny and frisky — take ivery drop, 
and afther suck the cork. 

Mrs. F. Feel funny and frisky — take a glass full every 
minute — I must be dreadful bad. 

Pad. Yes, ma'am, you are very bad, my master told me so. 

Mrs. F. My dear child, support me to my room ; I am 
very ill. O, Mr. O'Connery, pray run for your master ! — the 
dear man knows my constitution so well ! 

[Exit, leaning on Jane, r. i e. 

Pad. {Looking after them.] Yes, ma'am, you've got the tic- 
deler-ues — ha, ha, ha ! The ould woman's quite bad, bekase 
I brought her the physic. The young lady feels quite well, 
bekase I brought her the letter. So help my trotter, if the 
ould woman takes all that physic, she'll be afther having the 
colley-wabbles, and it's all through Paddy Miles' boy. Some- 
body's coming ; I'll hide myself. {Retires back. 

Enter Dr. Coates in a passion, l. i e. 

Doc. Death and the devil ! I am in a galloping consump- 
tion — sent six miles and a half, and all through that Miles' 
boy — confound him ! [Paddy runs off, l.] If I had him here, 
I'd break every bone in his body. What's to do in the house 
— I don't see any one ; I've walked half over — can't hear any 
one. O, that Miles' boy ! 

Enter Jane, r. i e. 

Jane. Good morning, doctor ! How is Mr. Henry ? 
Doc. Don't name him ! I have had a trick played upon me. 
Jane. Who has dared to take such liberties with you, sir ? 



THE LIMERICK BOY. 57 

Doc. A rascal ! called Miles' boy. A man came to me and 
said that Farmer Saddletree was dying ; away I went, post 
haste; when I got there, he was smoking his pipe. "Are 
you not ill?" said I. "Never was better in all my life," 
said he. I began to curse Miles' boy. I thought of having 
a good patient — my spirits drooped, like a lump of sugar to 
the bottom of a teacup ; but where is your ma ? I wish to see 
her on particular business. 

Jane. You can't see her ; she has had a dreadful fright. 

Doc. Who has frightened her ? 

Jane. Miles' boy. 

Doc. [In a passion.] D — n Miles' boy ! If I had hold of 
him I'd break his infernal neck. 

Enter Mrs. Fidget, r. i e. 

Mrs. F. My dear doctor, what has ruffled you ? 

Doc. The same thing that has frightened you — Miles' boy. 

Mrs. F. Why, Dr. Coates, it's yourself that scared me ! 
sending your boy here with such a horrid lot of medicine — 
ordering me to take a wine glass full every minute. 

Doc. I sent a boy here with medicine ! My dear lady, I 
have no boy at present. I desired my son to engage one ; but 
I know who it is — that confounded Miles' boy has been here. 
Of course, you have not taken it ? 

Mrs. F. Yes, I have taken nearly all of it ! 

Doc. Mercy on me ! it may be poison for what I know ! 
Let me see it, my dear Mrs. Fidget. 

Mrs. F. Run, Jane, and bring the bottle to show the doc- 
tor. [Fx/t J axe, R. IE.] O, my dear doctor, I shall die, I 
know I shall ! O, that cruel Miles' boy ! [Both run about. 

Doc. To play such a trick on a lady ! the scoundrel ! the 
monster ! [Strikes stage. 

Mrs. F. He ought to be sent to prison ! 

Doc. I'll send him to the devil. 

Re-enter Jane, with bottle, R. 1 E. 

Let me have it ! [Takes bottle, smells and tastes.] Jalap and 
salts ! [Smells and tastes again.] No, no, it ain't ! it's only your 
favorite drink — gin and molasses. O, the villain ! I'll have 
him, if he's above ground — bills shall be printed, and sent all 
over the country, so that everybody shall know that serpent 
— Miles' boy ! 



58 THE LIMERICK BOY. 

Enter Job, fighting him se/f L. 1 e. 

Mrs. F. How dare you go from the house, and let that 
Miles' boy in ? 

Job. What — Miles' boy been here ? I wish I could only 
get hold of him, that's all. Sent me to the village bank — 
said my grandfather was dead, and left me two hundred 
pounds ; so I made up my mind to marry my dear Mary 
Jane. When I got there they laughed at me, and said I was 
to go and make a fool of somebody else, and say it was Miles' 
boy. 

Doc. The rascal has been here and played a pretty trick on 
me and Mrs. Fidget. 

Mrs. F. He has, indeed ! on that account I forgive you 
this time ; but if ever you let any one in the house again with- 
out my knowledge, I'll send you about your business. Come, 
my dear doctor, a glass of wine will revive your spirits. 

Doc. True, my dear Mrs. Fidget ! my nerves are sadly out 
of order, and I have something of the greatest importance to 
communicate — [Sternly.] Job, remember Miles' boy. 

[Exit with Mrs. Fidget, r. i e. 

Job. [Sparring.] Remember Miles' boy ! Can I forget him ? 

Jane. Don't look so angry, Job — you are not the only one 
who has had a trick played on them by Miles' boy. Let me 
go to the garden gate with you. 

Job. No, I won't ! 

Jane. Do — there's a good Job ! 

Job. I won't ! so take no for an answer. 

Jane. You're a cross, ill-natured, good-for-nothing fellow ! 
I hate you, that I do ! and I wish that Miles' boy had sent 
you twice as far. . [Exit, R. 1 E. 

Job. No doubt of it ; then you could go running about 
wherever you like. [Starting.] Blow me, if I don't think that 
the fellow I let in, that said he came from Dr. Coates', was 
Miles' boy. I'll go and watch for him, and if I catch him, 
I'll make Miles' boy wish himself miles off. [Exit Job, l. I E. 

SCENE III.— Same as Scene I. 

Enter Paddy, from gate in c. 

Pad. By getting behind the water spout, the divil of a sowl 
seen me, that wasn't there ; it's lucky for me that I've changed 



THE LIMERICK BOY. 59 

my name, for I'm getting into the divil's own job here, as I 
have at all the other places. That was the ould top, I seen 
into the house ; somebody sent him to the divil, and back 
again, and told him it was Paddy Miles' boy ; that poor 
divil of a gardener won't be at all pleased wid the two hun- 
dred pounds that he'll get, over the left. Upon my sowl, this 
is a strange family — here is the ould top in love with the ould 
woman, and the young top in love wid the ould woman's 
daughter — there'll be the divil to pay, and no pitch hot ; and 
it strikes me forcibly that Mr. Harry wants to bolt the moon 
wid Miss Jane, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if he'd lave 
a letter behind, and say it was Paddy Miles' boy. 

Enter Hap ry, from shop, R. S. E. 

Har. Well, Paddy, my good fellow, I have another job for 
you ; a distant relation of mine has died, and left me five 
thousand pounds, and my father one shilling — they quarrelled 
some time ago, which caused the turn in my favor ; now you 
manage to get Jane out of the house, and twenty pounds shall 
be your reward. 

Pad. I'll do it, my darlint ; did you say twinty pounds ? 
Shure, I'll do it for twice as much — only give me a shillelagh, 
I'll down wid the houses. 

Har. No, no, Paddy, force won't do ; I am going to try a 
stratagem ; I have a female's dress — I'll go and fetch it. 

{Exit into shop, R. S. E. 

Pad. Am I aslape or awake ? He's going to make a 
woman of me, Paddy Miles' boy — I'm shure to get out of the 
frying-pan into the fire. 

Re-enter Harry, with dress, r. s. e. 

Har. Now here is the dress, Paddy ! 

Pad. O, botheration, man ! I can't be a woman, shure ; 
my father niver intended me for one. 

Har. But, my dear fellow, consider the twenty pounds. 

Pad. O, be aisy. Shure, you know that money stops a 
bigger man's mouth than Paddy Miles' boy. {Puts on dress.] 
I'm off before you can clap salt on my tail— -whoo ! — my name 
is Judy O'Flaherly. 

Har. [Gives tetter.] Stop, and I'll give you an idea how to 
walk like a young lady. [Paddy walks after him very awk- 



6o THE LIMERICK BOY. 

zvardly. Business with walking until Harry goes off, R. s. E. 
Paddy exits through gate in c. 



SCENE IV.— Mrs. Fidget's parlor, i g. 
Enter Dr. Coates and Mrs. Fidget, r. i e. 

Doc. Enough, my dear Mrs. Fidget ; to-morrow's sun will 
make you Mrs. Dr. Coates. I'll order a band of music, in 
fact, make every arrangement before I sleep to-night. My 
son, Harry, I'll send to London, to prevent any trouble with 
him. 

Mrs. F. And I'll send Jane to her aunt's, so that we shan't 
be bothered with her. 

Doc. To-morrow will be the happiest day of my life — and 
we will have a rum day of it. I'll dance and sing — 

Enter Janr, l. i e. 

Jane. O, my ! there's Job and a woman fighting in the 
garden — she says she comes here for a situation, and will 
come in. 

Mrs. F. I want no servants. Who sent her, I should like 
to know ? 

Jane. Miles' boy. 

Doc. Curse Miles' boy ; that villain will be the death of me. 
[Noise L. Looks off. Crash, L.] O, dear, they are fighting 
on the stairs ; should they fall, it will break both their necks. 

Pad. [Without.] Bad luck to you ; let go your hould. 

Job. [Without.'] Murder, murder ! 

[ Crash, L. Noise of falling down stairs. 

Doc. By the Lord Harry, she has knocked Job down stairs ! 

Enter Paddy, l. i e., disguised with woman: f s dress. 

Pad. Long life to you ! may you niver die ragged. You're 
the ould woman I'm going to make my mistress. 

Mrs. F. My good woman, there's no servants wanted here. 

Fad. Now don't be telling any lies. I know you do. 
Paddy Miles' boy tould me so — faith, he's a countryman of 
mine, and wouldn't be afther playing any tricks upon a poor 
ould woman like me. 

[Gives letter to Jane unnoticed. Exit Jane, l. i e. 



THE LIMERICK BOY. 6 I 

Doc. [Aside.] Very lady-like, upon my word. That Miles' 
boy plays tricks upon everybody— myself — and this lady ; 
indeed, I may say the whole country round is suffering through 
his mischief. 

Mrs. F. Indeed, doctor, you might say the whole world. 
We are very sorry for you, but we want no servant. 

Pad. I won't belave it, you ould catermollin ; nor I won't 
belaveyou, ould cadger, nather — and I'll break yer nose, if 
you tell me so again. 

Doc. [Aside.'] Confound that Miles' boy, for sending such 
a woman here. 

Enter Job, l. i e. Paddy strikes him as he enters — his nose 
bleeds. 

Job. O, my nose ! [Bleeding, runs over to R. 

Pad. Divil fly away wid the roof of your nose. You didn't 
behave like a man should to a woman. 

Doc. My good woman, don't talk so. Miles' boy playing 
a trick on you is no fault of ours. Here's a shilling ; now 
leave the house. [Gives money. 

Pad. Jolly good luck to you ould tin pot. You're a trump. 
Stop till I get hould of the vagabone — I'll pitch into him like 
a hot dinner. I'll just show you how I'll put it into him, 
right and left. [Sparring at DOCTOR. 

Doc. No, thank you. I'd rather be excused. 

Job. That's all she thinks about. O, my nose ! 

Pad. I'll give you a toper for luck, my darlint. 

Mrs. F. Good gracious ! I am quite shocked. Put it into 
Dr. Coates, right and left, and give Job a toper for luck. You 
are a disgrace to your sex — leave the house, or Job shall put 
you out. 

Job. No, not me — get somebody else. 

Pad. It's to me you are spaking ? Job put me out ! I'd 
beat a dozen like him ; and as for you, my ould tabby, if you 
was not a woman, I'd give you just such a hist as Molly did 
the cat. 

Doc. Come, come ; this is too bad. I'll put up with it no 
longer. I'll send for a constable, and have you put in the 
lock-up — see what a magistrate would say to such conduct. 

Pad. I'll save you the trouble ; but I'll have a slap at 
Mister Job before I'll go. 

Job. No you don't. 



62 THE LIMERICK BOY. 

Pad. Stop till I put this money in my pocket. [Lifts up 
his dress, and is discovered, by putting money in his pocket. 

Omnes. It's a man ! It's a man ! 

Pad. Och, murder ! What will I do? I'll give them leg 
bail ! [Runs off, L. i E. 

Job. I'll swear that is Miles' boy ! 

Doc. No doubt of it. Come, Mrs. Fidget, we will raise 
the neighbors, and have the scamp put in the stocks — follow 
us, Job. [Exit Doctor and Mrs. Fidget, l. i e. 

Job. It's all very well to say follow us, Job. I think I've 
had enough of Miles' boy's physic, which my nose can testify. 
I shan't be in a hurry to get another dig from him. 

[Noise of dogs barking, without. Exit, L. I E. 

SCENE V. — Same as Scene I. Noise of dogs continued. 

Enter Paddy, fro?n gate in c. 

Pad. [Undressing himself quickly.] I forgot that I was a 
woman, however, they are coming, and I must face it out. 

Enter Dr. Coates, Mrs. Fidget and Job from gate in c. 

Doc. Young man, have you seen a woman running this way ? 

Mrs. F. A man dressed in woman's clothes ! 

Pad. Faith, I did. It was that dirty blackguard, Miles' 
boy. 

Job. Don't mind what he says ; he is Miles' boy himself. 
I know him by his turn-up nose. 

Pad. Know me by my turn-up nose ! I'll give it to you, 
my darlint. [Runs at him. 

Enter Reuben, r. i e. 

Reu. Ah, Mr. Paddy, you've been going it again ! 
Doc. You know him then ? 
Reu. I thought everybody knew Miles' boy ! 
Doc. Miles' boy ! D — n me, if I haven't got you now. 
Pad. Och, murder ! it's all a mistake. 
Doc. I'll mistake you. [Calling.] Harry, Harry ! I say. 
Reu. Your son Harry, doctor, has just been married to a 
Miss Fidget, at yonder church. 
Doc. My son married ? It's false. 
Pad. By me sowl, it's true enough, for here they come. 



THE LIMERICK BOY. 63 

Enter Harry and Jane, r. i e. 

Har. and Jane. [Kneeling. ] We crave your blessing. 

Doc. The devil ! This is worse than being played a trick 
upon by Miles' boy. 

Pad. You may well say that. Mr. Harry has got a wife 
and five thousand pounds. You have a shilling and no wife. 
Paddy Miles don't care a dump for you. 

Doc. Here's a pretty go. But what's done can't be undone. 

Mrs. F. True, doctor ; and as Mr. Harry has five thou- 
sand pounds, I think we had better forgive them. 

Doc. I think so too. There, bless you both, and may you 
be happy ; and as for you, Mr. Paddy — 

Har. Pray forgive him, father. You know the old one is 
not so black as he is painted. 

Jane. And he's a clever postman. 

Doc. Well, the odds are against me. I suppose I must 
forgive — but no more right and left. 

Pad. Niver fear, sir. Only pardon me this time, and I'll 
niver do so again. 

Har. Paddy shall remain in our service, and we will be as 
happy as the clays are long. 

Pad. By my sowl, you've had it all your own way. [To 
audience.'] But I'm shure there's one thing wanted to make us 
happy ; and with your kind permission, I'll solicit our friends 
here to bestow their blessings upon Paddy Miles, the Limerick 
boy. 

situations. 

Jane. Harry. Paddy. Mrs. Fidget. Dr. Coates. 
Reuben. Job. 

r. curtain. l. 



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